Turn Regret Into Personal Growth: Experts Reveal How to Move On and Find Joy in the Present
See how your ‘regret type’ can help you let go of self-recrimination and embrace self-forgiveness
Whether it’s the path not taken or the path we stumbled on and wish we hadn’t taken, we all struggle with regret. But rather than a “shadow emotion” we should be ashamed of, it’s often the ultimate badge of courage—a sign that we took a risk and put ourselves on the line. Here, top mental health experts share how to move on from regret and transform this universal yet misunderstood experience into the motivation you need to embrace a more joyful, resilient future on your terms.
How to move on from regret
Pinpoint your regret ‘type’
If you feel like you’re the only one struggling with the mistakes of your past, nothing could be further from the truth. That’s because in the pantheon of emotions, regret is, well, regrettably, quite familiar. “Studies show it’s the most common negative emotion,” says psychotherapist Gina Simmons Schneider, PhD, author of Frazzlebrain: Break Free from Anxiety, Anger, and Stress Using Advanced Discoveries in Neuropsychology. “Love is the only other more commonly felt emotion.”
She adds that psychologist Daniel Pink, PhD, has pinpointed four major types of regret: foundational (typically regarding our education, health or finances); boldness regrets (wishing we took more risks); moral regrets (behaving in ways inconsistent with our values) and connection regrets (when bonds fracture).
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“I work with a lot of people on different kinds of regrets, but the foundational type—such as who we married or what we did with our money—can be especially painful,” says Schneider. That’s because, these regrets often go farther back into our past and strike at our very identity. The first step to healing? “Remind yourself that you did the very best you could with the information you had at the time, says Schneider. This simple shift in your mindset helps you let go of self-blame and transform regret into personal growth.
Free yourself with a waterfall visualization
“What if?” Once those two little words get stuck in our head, it’s hard to get them out, says psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, and author of HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. But widening our perspective about what happened lets us process regret without self-recrimination. Hendriksen suggests visualizing the memories and emotions of your regret as a gushing waterfall.
“Now imagine standing behind it,” she says. “You can observe it, but you’re not under the water yourself.” As space develops between you and your memories, you’ll realize there were circumstances that led to what happened and that you did the best you could at the time.
Discover genuine silver linings
“Regret is a leach that steals from our present in order to feed the pain of the past,” declares spirituality expert Michelle Van Loon, author of If Only: Letting Go of Regret. This is her rather (fiercely) poetic way of saying that shame often holds us back. “Instead of dwelling on what’s lost, we can assess what gifts we may have gained.” She recalls going back to school in her 50s. “It wasn’t the same as living in the dorms, and I had to let that go—it was a different experience, but at the same time, because I was older, I felt confident, having so many life skills under my belt. Regret is loss, but we can gain wisdom and resilience. Shame doesn’t get to hold the pen of the new chapter we’re writing.”
‘Think down’ to lift yourself up
Instead of focusing on how things could have gone better in a thought process known as “upward thinking,” consider how things could’ve gone worse (“downward thinking”). “It sounds counterintuitive but downward thinking frees us from negative thoughts,” reveals social psychologist Neal Roese, PhD, author of If Only: How to Turn Regret Into Opportunity.
If, for example, you can’t shake the guilt of feeling like you weren’t supportive enough of a friend going through a divorce, try to imagine that you had never been there for her at all and how much more profound that regret would have been. Says Roese: This helps you let go of unfair self-blame and foster a positive mindset for moving on.
Transform regret into personal growth
Regret can make us better able to handle life’s curveballs—if we approach them with a growth mind-set. Tell yourself, “I haven’t achieved this thing yet,” rather than “I’ll never accomplish that.” If you have trouble showing yourself this compassion, write a letter to yourself from your “inner wise woman,” advises Linda Hoopes, PhD, author of Prosilience: Building Your Resilience for a Turbulent World “Imagine what a friend would tell you, then write down those words.” Take them to heart, knowing we’re all works in progress heading in the right direction, and turning past regret into learning experiences.
To truly heal from the wounds of the past, we must forgive ourselves not just once but continually, says therapist Tracy Hutchinson, PhD. “Just as having a daily gratitude practice has been shown to change our neural pathways and hardwire us for more positivity, so does daily self-forgiveness literally change our neural network and help us begin to heal from past mistakes,” she says. “Forgiving yourself for the small transgressions we all make every day, like cutting someone off in traffic, promotes self-compassion, so that eventually you can begin to let go of the more painful things you’re holding onto.”
Outsmart ‘cringe attacks’
“Sometimes the mind plays a trick on us, and a regret from long ago pops into our head out of nowhere,” notes Hendriksen. “Psychologists don’t fully understand these ‘cringe attacks,’ but we do know that they’re harmless and fleeting if we don’t dwell on them.” Just allow yourself to briefly re-experience the embarrassment, and then let it pass. “Remind yourself that there’s no deeper meaning to it, and it shouldn’t affect your self-image.”
Reframe inaction regrets
“Though painful, research shows that ‘action regrets’—the things we wish we hadn’t done—can inspire us to grow, recover from emotional setbacks and make better choices in the future,” says Schneider, adding that inaction regrets, on the other hand, are more challenging to recover from and can trap us in despair.
“We can find ourselves in an endless loop, thinking of what could have been.” To help soothe this pain, she recommends reminding yourself that we often romanticize the path not taken, and “there’s no guarantee this fantasy could have come to fruition.” Ask yourself what action you can take now. “If it’s too late to restore a relationship that fell by the wayside, for example, you may feel motivated to tend to your other friendships. Regret can be a great motivator if we let it.”
Take solace in your spiritual strength
“As we reach midlife and beyond, we start reassessing the choices we’ve made, and that’s where our spirituality—or talking to a good friend who really listens—comes in, observes Van Loon. “To get unstuck, I can’t emphasize enough the value of normalizing regret by sharing what you’re feeling.” Whether you talk to a higher power or your best friend, she emphasizes the benefits of shining a light on regret. “It thrives in the shade; expressing your feelings takes away its power.”
Share your hard-earned wisdom
Regret by nature looks backward, but it can also be an extremely future-focused emotion. “Ask yourself which lessons you might be able to share with others,” urges Schneider. “Maybe you no longer have the strength or desire to sail the world like you dreamed of in your youth, for example, but you can encourage a young person in your life to take a risk.” Our regrets can make us get lost within ourselves—that’s why simply focusing on others often helps us move on stronger and happier.
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