How to Stop Overreacting, Regain Control Over Your Emotions — And Kick Irritability to the Curb!
Experts reveal easy ways to identify surprising triggers and find peace of mind fast
Argh! From life’s little annoyances (looking at you, traffic jam!) to bigger challenges like feeling unseen or underappreciated, we’ve all been in situations that ratcheted up our irritability and led us to lash out. We’re human, after all! Instead of beating yourself up, keep reading for simple ways to dial down defensiveness, stop overreacting and cue the calm you need to get back behind the driver’s seat of your emotions.
1. Let yourself off the hook
The first thing to do? “Make sure you’re not using that word ‘overreact’ in a judgmental way,” says psychotherapist Sheri Van Dijk, author of The DBT Workbook for Emotional Relief. Then, “if you feel your emotional response is more intense than what is warranted for the situation, take a step back.” Mindfulness practices like breathing deeply or placing a hand on your heart reduce the intensity of your emotions. One quick trick Van Dijk used during the pandemic: “I’d simply bend down and touch my toes — it activates the relaxing parasympathetic nervous system.”
2. Identify your triggers
The situation we’re responding to in the moment often masks deeper emotional triggers. “If someone cuts you off in traffic, for instance, you might react strongly because it makes you feel unimportant or powerless,” says therapist Judith Siegel, PhD., author of “Ask yourself when you may have felt this way before. A memory may come back to you when you felt, not necessarily ‘cut off,’ literally, but ignored or demeaned. These emotions can flood into the moment, but when we recognize the hurt of the past, we can control it with the skills of the present.”
3. Hit ‘pause’ for 30 minutes
“When we’re emotionally reactive, we tend to want to immediately deal with the situation, but that’s rarely helpful,” says psychotherapist Ilene S. Cohen, PhD., author of When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom. “It’s okay to give yourself time to let your brain return to its regulatory state — which typically takes only 30 minutes — before responding.” She promises pressing pause will help you “learn to manage the trigger and rationally decide how to handle it.”
4. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need
If we take things personally, it’s easy to overreact. “For example, at dinner your partner may say, ‘This plate doesn’t look clean,’” says Cohen, “to which you might say, ‘I do so much around here!’ But your spouse insists he was just stating a fact. Maybe you’re extra sensitive because your parents were overly critical when you were a kid.” This awareness gives you the confidence to ask for what you need: “I overreacted, but it would mean a lot if you could point out things I do right.”
5. Get much-needed clarity
Take a moment to reflect on the possibility that you may be misinterpreting a situation, suggests Siegel. “Ask for clarity, like, ‘It sounds like you’re discrediting what I’m feeling — am I right?’ They may apologize, or they may say they didn’t mean it the way it was received.”
6. Create DEAR boundaries
If you often react to the same person, Van Dijk suggests setting limits with the DEAR strategy: Describe the situation. Express your emotion. Assert the boundary. Reinforce what the person will get out of it. “For example, if you reacted to your partner not taking out the trash, you might say, ‘You forgot to take out the garbage [Describe]. I’m frustrated because this is your job in the house [Emotion]. Please do it next week [Assert]. It would really help me out [Reinforce].’” Healthy boundaries curb the festering resentment that often triggers overreactions and lets you reclaim the calm you deserve.
For more stress-melting strategies:
Are You More Irritable Than Ever? How To Feel Better When Everyone Is Getting On Your Nerves
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