Caregiver Stress Is Real—Here’s How To Restore Your Peace and Reclaim Joy, According to Experts
Discover how to set gentle boundaries and prioritize your needs
As a caregiver, you play so many roles, from your loved one’s healthcare advocate to their constant companion to their de facto financial manager. But when giving too much of yourself leads to emotional exhaustion, experts say compassion fatigue can set in. Here, simple, loving ways to protect your big heart and ease caregiver exhaustion, while also lifting your energy and spirits.
Honor hidden grief and sadness
We can’t begin to alleviate caregiver exhaustion without first addressing the most fatiguing emotions of all: grief. Here, experts share the varied, complicated forms grief takes when we’re caregiving—and simple ways to show ourselves and others healing compassion.
Tell someone you trust
Sometimes things don’t feel real until we say them out loud, which is why Jennifer L. Fitzpatrick, MSW, CSP, author of Cruising Through Caregiving and a gerontology instructor at Johns Hopkins University’s Certificate on Aging program, advises simply telling someone you trust what you’re going through. “Whether it’s your doctor, a loved one or good friend, make sure they aren’t judgmental and be honest with your emotions, particularly any guilt you may be feeling.”
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Indeed, a common refrain she hears from overwhelmed caregivers is: “I wouldn’t feel this way if I were a good [fill in the blank from a good daughter to a good spouse].” “Just having someone to validate your emotions and tell you there’s nothing to feel guilty about—that it’s normal to have conflicting emotions—will help you begin to feel less overwhelmed and more at peace.”
Let yourself feel it all
The emotions we feel while caregiving are difficult and complex, especially when it comes to the two main types of grief we grapple with: living and anticipatory. “Living grief is often felt by those caring for someone with dementia,” says expert Cheryl Woodson, MD, who spent almost 40 years practicing geriatrics while navigating her mother’s journey with Alzheimer’s. “You could be married to someone for 60 years, but your spirit still reaches out to them for a response you’ll never get.”
To find comfort from this constant grief, she suggests trying to let go of what you can’t control. “A lot of grief comes from having unrealistic expectations,” she says, recalling the time her mother with dementia poured hot sauce on her pancakes. “I remember my brother getting so upset when he saw this, while I was just happy she was eating. Having a clear picture of what you can expect, in other words, helps you deal with this kind of grief.”
As for anticipatory grief—mourning the loss of someone before they’re gone—you might find solace in celebrating or honoring who they were. “My mother loved to dance, but when she couldn’t any longer, I put Count Bassey on and danced in front of her,” recalls Dr. Woodson. “She didn’t know who I was at that point, but she smiled and that lifted both our spirits.” Small gestures like painting her mom’s nails also helped. “Now, every time I look at my hands, I think of her.”
It’s also okay not to mourn
While it’s common to grieve while caregiving, something we don’t talk nearly enough about is the opposite reaction. “A lot of people are shocked when they’re not grief-stricken when their loved one passes,” says Fitzpatrick. “Instead, they feel relief because they can breathe again, but they then feel guilty because they’re not grieving.”
She encourages reminding yourself that this is a normal response. “Focus on what you’re getting back, like more time with your kids or grandkids, and consider doing something in the memory of your loved one, from scheduling a Zoom call with your whole family once a year on their birthday to planting their favorite flower in their memory.” It’s important to know there’s also something called delayed grief, says Fitzpatrick. “When my dad died, I felt numb for weeks, and then it just hit me—there are so many types of grief caregivers feel, and each one of them is valid.”
Ease emotional exhaustion with self-care
Creating compassionate yet firm boundaries and getting the assistance you need, will help ease caregiving stress and restore your energy. Here, a few simple, concrete ways to prioritize your needs.
ID this sneaky form of fatigue
“Caregivers, nurses, teachers, mothers—anyone navigating the stress of caring—are most susceptible to compassion fatigue,” adds social worker Sharise Nance, LCSW, founder of Vitamin C Healing, LLC, and a pioneer in preventing this type of emotional exhaustion. “When you’re busy tending to others, it’s easy to normalize this feeling. That’s why it’s important to recognize the signs, like exhaustion, apathy, cynicism, irritation or feeling like you’re on autopilot.” Simply validating what you’re experiencing is the first step to showing yourself the care and kindness you need.
Interrupt autopilot
“Rather than focus on what you don’t want to happen, ask yourself, ‘What’s my desired outcome?’” urges expert on caregiver stress-busting Loren M. Gelberg-Goff, LCSW, author of Take Back Your Life. “For example, instead of saying, ‘I don’t want my mother to call me 20 times a day,’ say to yourself, ‘I will answer after I breathe, and feel calm and centered.’
We all know the difference between an emergency and a demand, so if the person you’re caring for constantly calls from the other room, remind yourself that you can take a breather. Women, especially caregivers, are conditioned to just keep putting one foot in front of the other—but interrupting this autopilot by pausing for a moment helps you find balance.”\
Imagine the title of your book
When we feel like we’re not doing enough to alleviate the suffering of others, a specific kind of fatigue called “moral distress” often rears its head, reveals traumatic stress expert Barbara Rubel. “But practicing self-compassion supports emotional resilience, helping us handle challenges and foster stronger relationships.” She suggests asking yourself: If I were to write a book about being a caregiver, what would its title be and why? The answers will help you gain a fresh perspective on your journey—and your needs.
Jot down a list of helpers
To pinpoint small changes that will ease your stress, make two lists, suggests trauma therapist Babette Rothschild, MSW, author of Revolutionizing Trauma Treatment. “Write your most draining responsibilities, then jot down where you can have ‘interventions.’” For example, if you struggle to find the time to shower while taking care of an aging parent, you might consider calling a friend to come over for a few minutes to watch your mom or dad. Everyone from neighbors to members of your congregation really do want to help.
Savor micro breaks
Take a page out of Nance’s book and check in with yourself every day. “When I wake up in the morning, before responding to anyone else’s needs, I ask myself, ‘How full is my well?’ When you’re in survival mode, you don’t have the bandwidth to take a long break, so focus on little things, like screaming into a pillow or going for a 15-minute walk.” She adds that the latter activity may be the most restorative of all: “Movement is the best way to metabolize stress.”
Create realistic limits
We hear it often: No is a complete sentence. While that may technically be true, it’s not always realistic. “Depending on your background and experiences, saying ‘no’ may be harder for you,” says Nance. “As you practice boundary-setting while caregiving, you may worry, ‘What if someone needs me? What if I miss an important phone call?’ That’s why it’s so helpful to start with brief blocks of time. “You might say something like, ‘I can’t be reached from 5 p.m. to 5:15 p.m., but I’m happy to meet with you after 6 p.m.’ This simple ‘time boundary’ helps you get into the habit of taking space for yourself.”
Indeed, Dr. Woodson adds that such self-care is so vital, she frames it as “Arsenic Time.” “I call it that to make it clear to others: ‘In the next X minutes, if you talk to me, I’ll poison you,’” she says with a laugh. “Don’t wait until you are totally burned out to rest. Schedule regular ‘me-time’ that you can rely on and look forward to. Even if it’s only 10 to 15 minutes while your relative is sleeping, don’t cook or worry about laundry or paperwork or phone or email. A 10-minute delay won’t matter to your tasks as much as a 10-minute rest will help you perform those tasks better.”
Consider finding local support
In the end, leaning on others who can help you on your caregiving journey is invaluable, says Dr. Woodson. “Many houses of worship, for example, have ministries dedicated to helping caregivers, like volunteers who can sit with your loved one while you run errands,” she reveals. “The AARP also has a huge online community of people who have been down your road.” She also recommends The Aging Life Care Association. “They provide nurses and social workers as well as resources. I’ve seen how freeing it is for caregivers to connect with others who’ve experienced the same thing they are.”
Recruit your village
The importance of social support can’t be overstated. “We don’t heal in isolation,” declares Nance. “Leaning on your friends and community is a game-changer because they let you vent without you having to worry about how you’re being perceived.” She’s quick to add that we, in turn, need to allow our friends to lean on us. This “compassion reciprocity” is as empowering as it is energizing.
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