‘We Have to Fight Fair’: Chelsea Smith’s 7 Real Rules for Divorce-Proof Marriage After 26 Years With Husband Judah (EXCLUSIVE)
In her new book 'I Do Today,' the Churchome leader reveals candid advice for couples who want to stay close, laugh more and love longer
The beloved and bubbly Chelsea Smith is known for being ½ of the power couple behind Churchome, where she serves alongside her husband, Judah as the lead communicator and lead theologian. Every Monday, Chelsea’s 112k Instagram followers know to look out for her #MarriageMonday post — where she and Judah share their tips and tricks for succeeding in marriage.
Judah and Chelsea will be celebrating 26 years of marriage this year, but their God-centered, faith-filled marriage hasn’t always been perfect and fight-less. But through every up and down, they’ve remained steady and focused on God and each other — one conversation at a time.
In Chelsea’s new book, ‘I Do’ Today: A 52-Week Guide to the Marriage You’ve Been Waiting For, she opens up about her own marriage with grace and authenticity and guides readers towards turning their dream marriage into their reality.
Woman’s World sat down with the wise, humorous, and personable author to chat about ways to divorce-proof your marriage — through all that life throws at you.
Here, Chelsea’s 7 best tips to keep your marriage strong, fun, and stable when the going gets even tougher.
1. Know how to fight fair
“I think if we don’t fight in our relationship, at least for Judah and I, something is wrong,” Chelsea confesses. “One thing that we learned early on is we have to provide ground rules for how to fight fair.
“Because if we aren’t fighting, it means we’re bottling things up or not being true to ourselves. So what are our ground rules for how to fight fair? One of ours is we don’t say the word ‘divorce’ — no matter how angry we get.
“It sounds silly, but if you can never bring it up in a fight, then that’s a great way to divorce-proof your marriage. You chose each other. You love each other.
Nobody gets married with the intention of ‘We’re probably going to get divorced,’ but it does come up in those moments of hurt and passion. So it’s important to have those rules and know how to fight fair.
2. Seek wise counsel
A lot of couples think counseling only helps before you get married or that going to couples counseling means your marriage is already falling apart. Chelsea says otherwise. “One time, Judah and I were in an explosive fight and on opposite sides of a situation. Every time we tried to come together, we just ended up further and further apart,” she says. “He finally said, ‘I don’t think I can do this life with you anymore’ — or something along those lines. I went and had my first panic attack. We had probably been married 15 years at that point. We were so deep into it and loved each other so much. After my panic attack, that was the first time that I was like, ‘Okay, we need to go get outside help. We need to get a counselor.’
“We think of marriage counseling as a last-ditch effort for the relationship that’s on the brink. But the Bible says, ‘In the multitude of counsel there is safety.’ (Proverbs 24:6)
“It is not a last-ditch effort for when all else is lost. It is safety for your relationship. There are times when you just can’t see past yourself and they can’t see past themselves, and just getting an outside perspective and outside advice is a tool — whether from a therapist, a small group at church, or an older couple who’s been around the block.
“You’re going to be with this partner for life. It’s such a beautiful thing, but it also means you’ll probably bury your parents together and walk through some tough things with your children. Getting a plan for crisis before it comes is important.”
3. Take advantage of good times
“Use the momentum of good times to build up a reserve for when those really difficult situations happen in life,” Chelsea suggests. “You have a reserve, and you have momentum built up.”
“One of the things I feel so lucky about is Jude and I have the incredible privilege that we both saw healthy marriages in our parents, and with a 50% plus divorce rate, you just realize that’s pretty rare.
“But I got to see my parents fight and I got to see them make up. I got to see them go through crisis. I got to go see them go on vacation. So all these things that I got to learn because it was just in my environment is what I really wanted to pass on.
“But one of the best things I learned from my parents, who have been married for over 50 years, is that they still go on a date night every Friday night. It cracks me up because they live together. They spend every day together. But their Friday night date night is so cute. They go to McDonald’s and split a burger. I just love that they’re still having a good time together.”
4. Learn your love languages
“Judah’s love language is Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. I’m kind of Physical Touch, but I’m pretty much just Quality Time. Judah’s family is Gifts and Acts of Service, and my family is Quality Time or Acts of Service. We were totally incompatible with each other’s love language at first,” Chelsea laughs. “He would buy me a gift because that was his sister’s love language, but I would be like, “So when are we going to sit down together to talk and bond?”
She reiterates the significance of making a conscious effort to learn how to speak each other’s love languages. “It’s a phenomenal tool,” she says. “I think great things about Judah all the time, but we have to get in that habit of getting them to go from your thoughts to actually come out of your mouth in a sincere and genuine way.”
Take the 5 Love Languages quiz 5lovelanguages.com to discover your own Love Language!
5. Confront unmet expectations
“Unmet expectations can be the killer of our relationship. I think the first thing is to recognize that just because our expectations weren’t met doesn’t mean our partner did something wrong,” Chelsea says. “When your expectations aren’t met, you end up feeling unseen or unheard or belittled, and you want to make them the bad guy. In those moments, as often as you can, just take a step back, and ask: What did they actually do?”
“The second is trying to learn the personal habit of identifying our expectations beforehand, and then voice those expectations to our partner in a non-demanding, non-manipulative way,” she suggests.
“Anytime you can have a conversation before instead of a conversation after, it’s going to go a lot better because you don’t have the emotion and the disappointment tied in.
“There’s just a lot of life and a lot of expectations, and when they go unmet, it slowly deteriorates our joy. Our partner isn’t dumb. They know that they’re letting you down, then they feel like a failure, and all of a sudden, you’re just on different pages.”
6. Team up
“Always remember: This person is for me. They’re on my team. We are on each other’s team. They love me. They don’t they don’t want to hurt me,” says Chelsea. “It’s wild how those little thoughts can have us telling ourselves, ‘He doesn’t care about this. Why doesn’t he care about the things I can about?’
Those are the thoughts that can just come in and take the joy out of your marriage. Relationships change over the years, but I think that love actually gets better and deeper. Happiness is more fulfilling, but we have to let it, otherwise it can just erode in it.
7. Play together
“This might be the most practical way, but I always suggest having a hobby. This is going to be the cheesiest thing, but we literally have a card game,” Chelsea says with a laugh. “I carry a physical deck of cards in my purse almost everywhere. Probably three or four times a week, we will just sit down in the afternoon and play. It’s called Three Thirteen. I learned it from my grandma. It takes 45 minutes to play, and it’s one of the best gifts for us.
I really believe in Jesus, and I really believe in all the life that He gives us. But I think sometimes we’re looking for spiritual answers to things, but it’s really just practical — like learning a card game together.”
Pick up a copy of ‘I Do’ Today: A 52-Week Guide to the Marriage You’ve Been Waiting For on Amazon or anywhere books are sold and follow Chelsea on Instagram for more marriage tips and heartfelt advice.
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