Simple Ways to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Build Your Self-Confidence, According to Experts
Stop people-pleasing for good with these expert-backed tips to build confidence and set boundaries
You’re kind to everyone you meet and are always there for family and friends when they need you. Such compassion and generosity are laudable traits—the issue arises when we put others first at the expense of our own needs. And far too many of us are doing just that: According to a 2022 YouGov poll, 56 percent of women describe themselves as people pleasers. So, how do we stop the well-intentioned yet self-destructive habit of being a people pleaser? We tapped the pros to find out. Keep reading for simple ways to build up your confidence—along with a few healthy boundaries.
How to stop being a people pleaser
Here, psychologists and mental health experts share easy strategies proven to help you stand up for your needs and let go of, “Will they still like me if I say ‘no’” anxiety (spoiler alert: they will!).
Embrace your tween self
Rather than beat yourself up over your penchant for people-pleasing, take comfort in the fact that a combination of genetics and cultural influences drives our need to be well-liked, says psychotherapist Nancy Colier, PhD, author of The Emotionally Exhausted Woman and Can’t Stop Thinking: How to Let Go of Anxiety and Free Yourself from Obsessive Rumination. “Research shows that before the age of 12, girls tend to say what they mean—but once we reach our tween years, fitting in with our peers starts to become more important than speaking our minds. Most women have gone decades without being their ‘real’ selves.” Indeed, nurturing our inner selves is crucial in order to feel authentic, and that starts with being kind to ourselves.
Woman's World Answers
Let RAIN douse self-doubt
The first step to showing yourself compassion is letting go of the fear and perfectionism at the heart of people pleasing, says therapist Cynthia Eddings, LMFT, author of The Narcissism Recovery Journal. She credits psychologist Tara Brach, PhD, with her favorite way to show herself kindness: RAIN. “It means Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nurture. To reap the benefits of this technique, simply slow down, allow your feelings to surface, investigate where they’re coming from and nurture yourself.” That all-important last part could be as simple as putting your hand over your heart and saying, “I’m enough.”
Pinpoint your fears and and let them go
If you’re accommodating everyone at the expense of yourself, ask, ‘What am I seeking?’ and ‘What am I afraid will happen?’ advises psychiatrist Marcia Sirota, MD, author of Be Kind, Not Nice: How to Stop People-Pleasing, Build Your Confidence and Discover Your Authentic Self. “You may be seeking approval but feel taken for granted.” As for the second question, you might fear being rejected if you stop people pleasing. “But those who love you won’t abandon you—and knowing this gives you freedom to prioritize your needs.”
Press ‘pause’ to create emotional boundaries
“Identify areas in your life where you feel taken advantage of,” encourages psychotherapist Ilene S. Cohen, PhD, author of When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom. “Remember that setting healthy boundaries is a continuous process that requires self-awareness and commitment.” She recommends starting small. If someone asks you to do them a favor, for example, you might tell them you need more time to think. Creating a bit of space for yourself allows you to begin taking control of your life and your relationships.
Build self-confidence and say ‘no’
“Practice telling the truth without giving too many excuses,” advises Colier. Begin by doing simple acts like returning a burger if it wasn’t cooked the way you ordered. as Colier recently did, or politely decline an invite because you don’t have the bandwidth. But if that’s a bridge too far when you’re just starting to practice your “no” mojo, she suggests using “for me” statements: “That’s not going to work for me right now.” Or, “For me, I can’t do X because I’m too depleted…” “This is the language of owning your truth, and it’s impossible to argue with,” she promises.
Keep reflecting on your authentic self
In the end, people-pleasing is quite isolating, notes Colier. “We feel lonely when we’re good at being what others want us to be—but are starving to feel authentically known.” She encourages continuously practicing self-reflection by asking yourself, “What do I need?” This simple question will keep you grounded and tethered to the real you.
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