Orgasms Feel Different After 50? 5 Expert Tips To Help Make Midlife Sex More Pleasurable

Perhaps in your 20s and 30s, your sexual experiences were jam-packed with innovation, spontaneity and toe-curling orgasms. But since entering midlife, those euphoric, pleasure-filled moments may have become few and far between. If that sounds familiar, you wouldn’t be alone. About 25 percent of women in midlife or older report being unable to achieve orgasm, according to a study published in the Journal of Women’s Health. And while great sex, partnered or solo, doesn’t have to end in an orgasm to be pleasurable, if you’re in midlife and hoping to experience more orgasms, our experts say there are things you can do that can help. 

What is an orgasm? 

If you walked down the street and asked every person you ran across to define an orgasm, there would probably be many different answers. And with good reason! We all have a different understanding of what an orgasm feels like, but regardless of how we experience one, there are physical signs that can help us understand what’s happening in our bodies.

“An orgasm is a peak of sexual pleasure involving the brain, nerves and muscles,” explains Karen Toubi, MD, board-certified ob-gyn and menopause specialist. “As arousal builds, blood flow to the genitals increases. A key physical part of orgasm is rhythmic contraction of the pelvic floor, the group of muscles supporting the pelvic organs and surrounding the vagina and anus. Breathing and heart rate speed up, and sexual tension releases. Afterward, many women feel relaxed or pleasantly sensitive.”

Wellness

Low Libido After 50? The Science Behind Women’s Desire May Surprise You

Here’s the scene: You’re enjoying brunch with your girlfriends, talking candidly about your relationships, when one brave woman at the table admits that her libido has vanished. “I miss having a sex life, but I guess this is just part of getting older,” she says. That’s the moment when you can be a stellar friend […]

How orgasms can change in midlife

Will your sex life change with age? It’s likely! But can those changes also bring good? Absolutely! “Many clients and community members tell me that midlife brings more self-knowledge, better communication with partners and less performance pressure,” says Lasara Firefox Allen, MSW, a menopause and sexuality educator and the author of Genderqueer Menopause. “When people give themselves permission to prioritize pleasure and adjust their approach to the body they have now, many report the best sex of their lives.”

But if your orgasms in midlife have changed in ways you haven’t been loving, know it’s not just you. “In my work as a menopause and sexuality educator, the most common changes I hear about are these: Orgasms take longer to reach and may feel more elusive, arousal takes longer to build and orgasms can feel less intense or harder to hold onto,” says Allen. 

Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS, AASECT-certified sex & couples therapist and founder at Cushing Counseling, adds the type of sexual stimulation you need to achieve orgasm in midlife may need to be more direct or intense. “Orgasms can feel quieter, less of a peak and more of a release,” adds Cushing. “Some women experience anorgasmia for the first time, meaning they can’t climax no matter how aroused they get.”

5 ways to have better orgasms in midlife

If having less frequent orgasms has caused a hit to your confidence or excitement about your sex life, it can feel like there’s something wrong with your body. But you shouldn’t put the blame on yourself.

“None of this means anything is broken,” says Allen. “It means the conditions for arousal have changed, and most of them can be addressed directly.” So what should you do to help increase your chances of orgasm in midlife? Here’s what our experts had to say:

Use self-touch to relearn your body

Before you set out on a mission to have an orgasm with your partner, consider exploring things solo. “Your body’s responses have changed, so your map of your own pleasure needs an update,” says Allen. When you know what works for your body now, it makes it much easier to share that knowledge with a partner, they add. 

What to do: “Set aside 15 minutes or more a few times a week for unhurried solo exploration, with lubricant, no goal of orgasm (unless it just goes there), just noticing what feels good now,” Allen says. “Two or three times a week is a great rhythm. But there is no upper limit! Go to it every day if that is accessible and desirable for you.”

Work with your pelvic floor

Our pelvic floor muscles are the muscles that contract during an orgasm, explains Allen. “Strong and supple pelvic floor muscles support stronger orgasms; overly tense ones can block them,” they explain. 

What to do: “Practice gently squeezing and lifting the muscles you’d use to stop the flow of urine, hold for a few seconds, then fully release,” says Allen. “The release matters as much as the squeeze.” They recommend trying a few sets a day a few times a week. 

If you’re having painful sex or even just less intense orgasms, try visiting a pelvic floor physical therapist for guidance, says Allen. “They’re often covered by insurance. Pelvic floor PT is underutilized, and most of us have no idea it’s an option, but it really can help with both GSM and reclamation of sexual desire.” 

Try a vibrator 

“Research has shown that a vibrator can increase blood flow and decrease pain,” says Dr. Toubi. “It can be a therapeutic tool prescribed by your doctor, not just a toy.” She adds that it’s important to think about vibrators as helpful tools for achieving orgasm rather than replacements for your partner. 

What to do: “Start on a low setting against or near the clitoral hood and adjust the location and intensity to comfort,” explains Dr. Toubi. “Try it alone first if that feels easier, then bring it into partnered sex if you want. Use it when you want that extra stimulation, with no prescribed session length. Stop if it hurts or feels uncomfortable, and follow the cleaning instructions.”

Don’t be afraid to add lube 

Even if you feel aroused, adding lube to your sex life can help make things just a little bit smoother. “Use a plain, fragrance-free water-based or silicone-based lubricant during sexual activity if friction or dryness is getting in the way,” says Dr. Toubi. 

What to do: “Apply enough to make touch glide comfortably over the vulva, the external genital area and at the vaginal opening if you are having penetration,” continues Dr. Toubi. “Reapply whenever there is dragging or discomfort. There is no universal dose: Use comfort as the guide and follow the product label.”

Wellness

Vaginal Dryness? Doctors Reveal Which of These 3 Products You Actually Need

Ever since starting menopause, you’ve noticed a raw or burning sensation “down there,” or perhaps sex with your partner has gone from pleasurable to unbearable due to vaginal dryness. Through ads, commercials and even word of mouth, you’ve likely heard about everything from vaginal moisturizer to vaginal estrogen cream to lube promising to provide relief […]

Think beyond the bedroom 

Supporting your general health and wellbeing can also boost your chance of orgasm in midlife. “Some of the highest-yield interventions are the simplest (while not always being easiest),” says Allen. “Reduce stress, get enough rest and take self-time. Treat body changes as an invitation to explore new ways to engage.”

And don’t feel like you have to handle the changes in your orgasms or sensation alone. “If your genital sensation has changed, tell your doctor,” says Dr. Toubi. “Ask about possible causes and whether your blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar and other cardiovascular risks need a review. Do not let anyone dismiss it as ‘just menopause.’ Your sexual health deserves the same attention as the rest of your health.”

The bottom line on orgasms in midlife 

If you’re approaching midlife or already in it, know that sex may change. But as Trina Read, doctor of human sexuality, Canadian sexologist and author of The Sex Course, says, your 50s and beyond could be some of your sexiest years yet! So if your orgasms have changed in ways you’re not happy about, give one of our expert-approved tips a try and talk to your doctor about what you’re experiencing. You could end up giving your overall sex life a major boost in the process!

“Society tells women that the door has closed, and, unfortunately, too many women believe it,” says Read. “Sex after 50 is not sex from your 20s—thank goodness!”