How To Defuse Conflicts With Loved Ones: Proven Ways To Build Connection, Not Resentment
Plus, see the 'conversation cue' that predicts the health of a relationship with 90% accuracy
A little conflict in our relationships is perfectly natural. After all, life would be downright boring if we were never challenged. But when we repeat the same core arguments without resolution, we often start to feel unseen and unheard—and the bonds that keep us together can begin to fray. Fortunately, research shows there are simple ways to open the lines of communication and defuse conflicts, both petty and profound, big and small. Here, top experts share the keys to taming tension and fostering greater understanding between you and your loved ones.
Discover toothpaste cues
When we think about points of contention in a relationship, toothpaste doesn’t often leap to mind. But one of the biggest Matt Abrahams—lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business, author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter and the host of Think Fast, Talk Smart: The Podcast—ever had with his wife was over just that. “She’s a roller, I’m a squeezer—you can imagine the turmoil,” he says with a laugh. But at the time, it was no laughing matter. “People often fight over symptoms, not the actual issue, so we have to pinpoint the cause. Sometimes that means having a discussion.” For him and his wife, this fight was really about respect, and just realizing that was a game changer.
Focus on the start
“The first 3 minutes of a conflict conversation predict not only how the rest of the conversation will go, but how the rest of the relationship will go six years down the road with 90% accuracy,” says clinical psychologist Julie Gottman, PhD, author of Fight Right and cofounder of The Gottman Institute. “Start by describing yourself—not your partner, coworker or loved one. You might say, ‘I’m angry the kitchen is a mess’ or ‘I’m worried X isn’t getting done.’” This “soft start” fosters connection.
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Share positive needs
There’s no difference between wants and needs, says Gottman. “A want is just a need that hasn’t been explained.” Rather than share a negative need like, “Stop leaving a mess” or “Stop waiting to pay the bills,” flip that on its head and share a positive one: “I would love it if you cleaned the kitchen” or “I would so appreciate you paying the bills a week early.” It’s a simple shift that can transform a defensive listener into a collaborative one.
Uncover secret contracts
“A big lesson my husband and I learned through the work we did in our marriage is something called ‘secret contracts,’ patterns we fall into without talking about them,” says Kim Holderness, coauthor, with her husband Penn, of Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It? and one-half of internet sensation The Holderness Family. When you find yourself repeating a routine you didn’t sign up for, bring it to light. “If your partner always handles money, for example, you might tell him, ‘I’d like to take a more active role in our finances.’” Oftentimes, giving voice to what was once unspoken is all it takes to build confidence.
Nix conflict with a scale
We tend to assume that in an argument, the other person holds their opinion as strongly as we hold ours, says Abrahams. But in reality, they may be much more willing to negotiate. “That’s why my wife and I use a scale to avoid conflict: If I want to get Mexican food, for example, I might say I’m a 4 out of 10. But if my wife’s craving for Chinese is at a 10, there’s no argument, as the choice is clear. It’s so simple, but it works.”
Let them feel heard
Just showing that we’re listening by paraphrasing what the other person said builds mutual respect. “You might say something like, ‘I really want to make sure I’m understanding your perspective,’” says Holderness. “Then put what they said in your own words. When a loved one says it out loud, they are showing me understanding—it’s so important to feel heard.
Conversation
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