How to Mend a Family Rift: Psychologists Share Proven Ways To Heal Your Heart and Build Bridges
See the the one word proven to help heal an estranged relationship and build bonds
Whether you’re butting heads over political differences or nursing old wounds from childhood, you’re far from alone: One in three people experience estrangement from a family member. While your situation is unique, there are universal truths that can help you discover how to mend a family rift and move forward. Keep reading for psychologists’ proven strategies to heal your heart, communicate your needs, and reconcile if and when you decide it’s the right choice for you.
How to mend a family rift
Know you are not alone
One of the most common emotions tied to estrangement is shame, says life coach Sheri McGregor, author of Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. She adds that parents frequently try to keep the peace as their adult children begin distancing themselves from them. “Society says parents are responsible for their kids, compounding parents’ sense of shame and causing them to hide it and not talk to anyone. I get thousands of emails each week from people around the globe saying, ‘I thought I was alone.’” Just knowing this situation is far more common than you may have realized will help you address your complex emotions with compassion rather than self-recrimination.
Seek an objective neutral party
Despite political differences in almost every family these days, there’s research-backed reason to take heart, promises sociologist Karl Pillemer, PhD, author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, who conducted a ten-year research project on estrangement and reconciliation. While the most enduring family rifts tend to stem from childhood, the tension triggered by the current climate is a relatively recent phenomenon. And because it’s less entrenched, it’s more easily mended.
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“There’s a lot of reason for hope,” he promises. To help you understand where the other person is coming from, consider talking to family members who aren’t necessarily on your side, he encourages. “Research shows that people who seek out neutral relatives tend to get a broader perspective on what caused the falling out. Just ask them, ‘What do you think went on here?’” When we’re lost in anger, it’s impossible to see things objectively. Simply getting another point of view helps us open our eyes and hearts.
Ask yourself a few key questions
Estrangement is more than painful—it’s disorienting and destabilizing. That’s why clarifying your goals is a vital step, says estrangement expert Fern Schumer Chapman, author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation. “Determine if you want to repair or resume this relationship,” she encourages. “Ask yourself a few questions like, ‘Why is this connection important to me—not just to other family members?’ ‘Can I set aside the pain and resentment and change our pattern of relating to each other?’ ‘Do I want to rebuild even if they haven’t changed?’
She adds that if you feel like you might have to compromise too much of yourself to sustain a difficult relationship, you may not want to maintain your boundaries rather than reach out. Simply asking yourself these questions will help you determine what’s best for your wellbeing.
Win at connections
We tend to see our own opinions as logical and well-founded, and people who disagree with us as irrational, says psychologist Tania Israel, PhD, author of Facing the Fracture: How to Navigate the Challenges of Living in a Divided Nation. “It’s a natural tendency and once we know this, we can begin to acknowledge that we can have deeply held views and still be interested in how other people see the world.” It’s that curiosity, she says, that can help us diffuse arguments and grow closer.
“The best way to connect is through listening or summarizing what the other person just said.” If, for example, they say they feel X way about the election, just say, ‘oh, you feel X way.’ Once they hear you repeat what they said, they might clarify it: ‘no, that’s not exactly it…’ opening the door to deeper understanding. “Remember, you don’t need to win an argument—it’s the connections you’re trying to win.”
Ditch the word ‘always’
Pinpoint the least you can accept in a relationship where the costs don’t outweigh the benefits, urges Pillemer. “It may not be the reconciliation you imagined, but can you accept it if, say, your brother says something you disagree with on politics? The people I interviewed who reconciled tended to be able to change their expectations for others,” he observes. “Rather than say things like, a brother should always have your back or your child should always respect you, they were able to accept that family members are rarely going to be the idealized versions in their mind.”
This is especially true of parents of adult children. “Our research shows parents have more to lose from estrangement from their adult kids than the other way around because they’re more reliant on them. Just ask yourself if what you’re insisting on is really worth it—it’s important to concentrate on the positives in your relationship.”
Let yourself grieve
A family rift often deals a blow to our identity, which is why we need to let ourselves grieve. “We don’t have rituals to mourn the living, so you may have to create your own,” says Chapman. “You might decide to write a letter without sending it, for example, or let go of photos you were holding on to.”
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Pinpoint pros and cons of building bridges
To help you process your complex feelings, consider creating a T-chart, listing the benefits of reconciliation on one side and the drawbacks on the other, suggests Chapman. “For example, if you’re thinking of reaching out to your estranged sister, under benefits you might write, ‘My kids will get have their cousins in their life,’ while under drawbacks, you might jot down, ‘I have to deal with my sister’s sarcasm.’”
When it comes to sibling bonds in particular, the benefits of rebuilding positive, mutually supportive relationships are backed by research, she adds. “Studies show adolescents who feel like their siblings validate them have higher self-esteem. And Harvard research reveals that having a close sibling relationship during the college years is a reliable indicator of emotional health in later years.” While not all sibling rifts can or should be repaired, simply knowing the role they play in emotional health may help you decide how to move forward.
Reach out with a few simple words
Creating some distance from the situation can help you gain much-needed perspective, especially if you’re estranged from an adult child, says McGregor. “Take a step back and look at how you’ve been treated,” she suggests. “Ask yourself if you can negotiate a relationship moving forward—maybe they just want to get together once a year during the holidays, while you want something more.” If you decide you want to reach out, she suggests simply leading with honesty. “You might say, ‘I’m not sure what went wrong, but I miss you. I’d love the opportunity to hear you out and find a way forward.’”
Another way to broach this difficult but necessary conversation: “I’m willing to sit down and listen carefully to your side—are you willing to sit down with me?” adds Chapman, who explains there are a few proven principles to reconciliation. “Agree to listen to each other without interruption because reconciliation is impossible without listening; acknowledge each other’s hurt or alienation; extend the benefit of the doubt; stress your willingness to make a mutual bond and let go of anger.” That last part may be the most challenging, but starting fresh requires moving beyond resentment—on both sides.
Discover meaning in loss
Even when we can’t repair a rift, we still can create a life of purpose, promises social worker Mark Sichel, author of Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family Member. “One of the best ways people can move on is by cultivating a ‘second-chance family’ of trusted friends.” Adds McGregor, “I’m living proof people can have a good life despite estrangement. I often hear from parents that they’ve been pining away for their adult kids, when suddenly, they find years have gone by. Life is too precious to waste time. We can admit this is a big loss and that we wish things were different—but at the same time, we can still find joy and meaning.”
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