How to Deal With Envy: Expert Tips to Transform the ‘Comparithon’ Into Self-Compassion
See how a little envy can be a good thing, motivating and inspiring you to achieve your goals
It’s perfectly natural to compare ourselves to others—and feel a twinge of envy when we fear we’re falling short. Far from the sin we’ve all been told it is, envy can be a powerful motivator, a kind of spotlight we can use to learn more about ourselves and what we truly want in life. Keep reading for psychologists’ strategies proven to help you transform this misunderstood and all-too-human emotion into a tool for achieving the happiness and success you deserve in life.
Know that it differs from jealousy
We often say we’re jealous, when we’re actually envious, observes clinical psychologist Josh Gressel, PhD, author of Embracing Envy: Finding the Spiritual Treasure in Our Most Shameful Emotion. “Jealousy is wanting to protect what is rightfully yours,” he says, “while envy is wanting what someone else has. We typically have an easier time admitting to jealousy because envy stirs feelings of insecurity.” But the first step to curbing comparisons is acknowledging that we all feel envy. “I like to say it’s the universal emotion no one has,” he says with a laugh. “It isn’t a sign something is wrong with you—it’s a sign something is right about you that you’re not claiming.”
See the good side of envy
We wouldn’t have evolved to feel it if it didn’t serve a purpose. In fact, we often envy people whose accomplishments are realistically within our wheelhouse, says psychologist Manuel Gonzalez, PhD, assistant professor in Industrial-Organizational Psychology at Montclair State University. “These people are typically not so different from ourselves and are often a proxy for what we can achieve.” Just knowing we’re likely setting our sights on something attainable helps spur momentum.
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Discover hidden feelings
Exploring the “stealth” feelings lurking beneath envy can help you move forward, says psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel, author of It’s Not Always Depression, and the forthcoming Parents Have Feelings, Too. “Imagine different ‘buckets’ for each feeling—like shame, anger and sadness—and ask yourself what percentage of each emotion fills each bucket.” If you feel shame over envying someone’s accomplishments, for example, bring compassion to this part of yourself because envy tells you what you want in life—and that’s nothing to be, well, ashamed of.
Ask yourself what’s possible
When we embrace it, the grip envy has on us weakens, says transformational coach Julie Chazotte. She advises asking yourself two questions: “What is it that I’m actually wanting?” And, “What story am I buying into about what’s possible for me?” Whatever narrative you’ve had about yourself, there’s a deeper part of you that knows better. Once you reconnect with your self-worth, envy transforms into inspiration. “It’s not really about the object of your envy, but the misunderstanding that you’re not worthy of achieving something similar.”
Turn it into emulation
“Look to the person you envy as a guide,” says expert W. Gerrod Parrott, PhD, Professor of Psychology at Georgetown University and author of The Positive Side of Negative Emotions. The idea of doing just that goes back to Aristotle, who saw emulation as the morally superior flip side of envy, he adds. “Even if you can’t attain everything someone else has, can you take a baby step toward it?” For example, if you’re envious of a globe-trotting friend, can you start with a weekend trip?
In fact, comparing yourself to the right people can make all the difference. “If you’re measuring yourself against, say, the best runner, you’re going to feel inferior,” adds Liz Fosslien, co-author of the bestsellers No Hard Feelings and Big Feelings. “But when researchers asked people to compare themselves to 10 people they know, suddenly they said, ‘Oh, I’m an okay runner’ and their opinion of themselves shot up.” When you shift your perspective like this, it changes how you perceive yourself and motivates you to do your best.
Discover hidden messages
Sometimes it’s not clear what exactly we’re coveting. “Envy can symbolize so many things,” reveals Gressel. “I had a client who was envious of celebrities on magazine covers. But he said he didn’t want to be these people. It made no sense to me!” That is, until Gressel realized the stars on the covers were literally front and center—they were being seen. This triggered his client’s need to be more visible in his own life. The uplifting upshot? Look deeper into what you envy to find hidden clues to your true desires.
Zoom out of social media
Social media has spawned what are known as “micro envies,” little comparisons that quickly add up and begin to weigh us down without us even noticing. “It’s important to zoom out and remind ourselves that people’s Instagram and Facebook posts are highly curated snapshots and not indicative of the bigger picture,” says Gonzalez.
Indeed, when we scroll specific content on social media, the algorithm feeds us more of the same, causing micro envies to balloon into macro ones. The solution is to “strategically disconnect,” he says, explaining that ideally, social media should be a place of community to help us communicate with friends and loved ones—rather than compare ourselves to strangers.
Tap true gratitude
When we believe that success is reserved for only a few, envy typically rears its head. But when we’re able to recognize that there is enough for everyone, we instantly feel a greater sense of control, assures Fosslien. “Just ask yourself, ‘Do I have enough?’ You’ll likely find that, yes, you’re doing okay,” she says. “Focusing on what you do have boosts your confidence that you can accomplish your goals.”
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