Infidelity Is a Symptom, Not a Cause: Paul Zohav on the Hidden Fractures that Shape a Marriage

Most people speak of infidelity with the assumption that the betrayal itself is the wound. Paul Zohav, M.Ed., has spent over 30 years challenging that assumption. “Once we understand that infidelity is a symptom, not a cause, the real question becomes, ‘What is it a symptom of?’ That’s where we go to work,” Zohav says.

As the founder of Marriage and Communication Coaching, and drawing from his experiences as a chaplain, relationship counselor, and educator, Zohav has assembled a simple set of tools to guide couples through the fractured moments of their journey. His book, “Marriage and Communication: Recipes for Life!,” distills a career’s worth of insights into practical tools that could support relationships through betrayal, emotional disconnection, resentment, and despair.

His methodology identifies infidelity as a catalyst for the collapse of a marriage and divorce. Infidelity is not a single act detached from the relationship. Zohav teaches that cheating and infidelity arise from patterns that have been running unconsciously beneath the surface of a marriage for years.

“Cheating and infidelity are only at the tip of a relationship iceberg, an iceberg that may have been weighing down your relationship for years,” Zohav explains. He notes that this iceberg is made up of a mass of disappointment, frustration, unresolved tensions, persistent unmet needs, and unspoken hurts that have been compounding for years, looming over the marriage long before the breakdown.

Underneath that iceberg, he highlights, sit four recurring elements, forces that slowly pull relationships apart. “Poor communication sits at the center,” Zohav says, pointing out that children are not taught communication and relationship skills in schools.

“Our children do not learn communication and relationship skills in school, and their parents are ineffective models for successful relationships,” Zohav says. “As a result, they graduate unable to get along with the people they’re going to marry, work with, or work for. It’s a massive deficit.”

In his view, couples often assume they are listening when they are actually listening to answer and not to the person speaking. Over time, he argues that miscommunication increases emotional distance and that emotional distance grows to undermine the foundation of the relationship.

Communication, from his perspective, is the foundation that establishes emotional safety and promotes effective listening. In order to facilitate that, he advocates for a simple principle: the gift of starting a sentence with yes. He says, “That signifies I’m listening, I heard you, our connection is wide open, let’s communicate.”

From there, he explains that the word “and” keeps the conversation open and allows couples to choose what’s next. The word “seems” replaces the hardened language of absolute truth that tends to shut dialogue down and ignites arguments about whose truth is truer and whose reality is most real.

The second force, Zohav explains, is unfamiliarity with love languages. He says, “One of the largest sources of infidelity is the absence of awareness around couples’ love languages. Drawing on the popular concept of the five love languages, Zohav teaches that much of infidelity is not born from malice but from “misloving one another.”

He explains, “One partner may feel deeply cared for when acts of service are present. Another may feel loved by verbal appreciation. Without the essential awareness of love languages, both can believe they are giving their love to their partner effectively, while the other quietly experiences emotional neglect.”

“The third force is personality differences,” Zohav says, pointing to the frequent tension that arises between “thinkers” and “feelers,” particularly when logic and emotion collide, causing conflict. “The thinker may try to argue the feeler out of their feelings by saying it’s no big deal or that it’s a yes or no question,” he adds. “The feeler hears that as, ‘You don’t care about me or my feelings.’ Then the marriage springs a leak.” Still, Zohav argues that this mismatch isn’t a flaw but a dynamic to be understood and responsible for. Awareness, he believes, has the potential to convert potential friction into loving connection.

The fourth force, he notes, is childhood distortions. “We have distortions left over from childhood that stay with us until we distinguish them and overwrite them as adults,” Zohav says.
He uses the word “distortions” on purpose, noting that these perceptions are formed by a cognitively immature mind that arose in response to a child’s early pain and frustrations. Zohav recalls the child who watched parents scream at one another for years before they divorced. These distortions likely run beneath every subsequent relationship of adult life.

The next metaphor within his coaching philosophy is that successful marriages exist within a protective bubble.

“When we are inside the bubble, we feel safe,” he explains. “We know our expectations. We know our boundaries. We know how to communicate. We agree on what belongs in our lives and what does not. Inside that ‘bubble of us,’ I believe the language spoken is characterized by ‘we, us, ours, and together.’”

Zohav teaches that healing, restoration of trust, and choosing forgiveness are not guaranteed. He says, “At first, many people believe forgiveness is impossible. Trust is available, and forgiveness is a real possibility.” Some couples, he says, may discover they function more peacefully as co-parents or friends rather than as spouses. What matters most, he adds, is creating a thriving, loving future.

And that future begins with choice.

In the aftermath of infidelity, many angry couples may start out looking for punishment or even for revenge. Zohav guides them toward mutual awareness, effective communication, speaking lovingly to one another, and going on to establish an emotionally satisfying, loving future characterized by mutual honor and respect.

“Infidelity is a symptom, not a cause. We look forward to forgiveness, restoring trust, generating a new future,” he says. “A resilient, loving marriage with mutual honor and respect that grows to last a lifetime. This is the possibility I guide them to see for themselves: a future that touches them, moves them, and inspires them to take new paths together.”