How to Support Someone Who’s Grieving: Experts Share Heartfelt, Practical Tips
See how simply validating their feelings is the first step to helping them heal
We all want to be there for a friend or loved one who is reeling from a loss. But what can we say to help them feel better? Should we say anything at all? It’s a familiar debate we’ve all had, and one that can easily get in the way of simply showing up for the people we care about most. Here, experts share compassionate, practical ways to support someone who’s grieving or going through a rough patch. Hint: it all starts with being yourself and opening your big heart.
Validate their feelings
Everyone struggles with knowing what to say when someone is grieving—even the professionals. “I teach students studying to become social workers, and this, more than anything else, worries them,” says Phyllis Kosminsky, LCSW, clinical social worker, adjunct Professor of Social Work at Fordham University and author of Attachment Informed Grief Therapy. “The first step is simply to acknowledge their loss. Then ask yourself, If I were going through this, what would be helpful for me? More often than not, what you come up with is what they need. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be human.”
Avoid comparisons
While we may want to commiserate with them by bringing up our own loss, this can invalidate their experience because what they’re going through may be completely different from what we went through, says Catherine Hodge, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and author of What Do I Say? How to Support Others in Grief. “Keep the focus on them by asking how they’re doing today.” That last word is key because when we’re grieving, every day is different.
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Keep showing up
“When I was heavily pregnant with my first child, I had this sense that people were ‘done’ with me being pregnant—they were surprised I hadn’t given birth yet,” recalls Kosminsky. “But babies come on their own time. And in a way, that’s how I think about grief: It has no timeline.” After the first wave of initial support ebbs, it’s important to keep checking in, especially around anniversaries. “You might say, ‘I know today is difficult, and I’m holding you in my thoughts.’ This normalizes the fact that grief is ongoing.”
Choose the way you want to help
There are seven different ways to offer support, according to bereavement expert Lucy Hone, PhD, author of Resilient Grieving. The first two—emotional and practical—are about being there for them and taking on everyday tasks like picking up their groceries. The third form of support—physically showing up for them—may be more surprising: “The lack of physical presence is a massive amplifier of grief,” she says. “I know women who sleep in their widowed best friends’ beds to provide that physical comfort.”
The fourth type of solace is memory support. “Don’t be afraid to bring up their late loved one,” urges Hone. Next is informational: “This includes legal advice, financial guidance or navigating the medical system—the logistics that come from loss.” If your expertise lies in any of these areas, you may be able to help in ways others can’t. Finally, there is ongoing support and companionship. Simply put, “The people who have the patience to stay with us in our grief are our champions.”
Do one loving thing
What do people who are going through a tough time in their personal lives, like a divorce, say they want from friends and loved ones? “The most common answer I hear is that they just want us to keep inviting them into our lives,” says Amy Weatherly, friendship expert and coauthor of Here For It (the Good, the Bad, and the Queso): The How-To Guide for Deepening Your Friendships and Doing Life Together.
“They need to know they’re still seen and wanted, especially when they’re feeling rejected, like after a relationship falling apart or during a life transition like being laid off,” says Weatherly. She encourages simply asking them, “What would feel like the most loving thing I can for you right now?” “They might not always have an answer, but just keep showing up the best you can.”
Connect effortlessly
When we’re going through emotional struggles, we often retreat into ourselves, notes Weatherly, revealing that she has a friend who’s prone to depression. “She doesn’t always answer texts or emails because it can feel overwhelming, so I’ll text her, ‘Hey, I want you to know I love you and you don’t need to respond to this.’”
Simply acknowledging that you have no expectations of them is worth its weight in gold, she says. “I always say friendships need to be reciprocal; everyone at the friendship ‘table’ needs to eat, but there are certain times when you have to feed them.”
Continue to reach out
In the end, Hone’s research shows everyone experiencing grief wants to be approached differently. “Some people will say, ‘I really need a hug today,’ for example, while that’s the last thing others want,” she says.
“The one thing they all agree upon is they want you to say something, and if you don’t know what to say, just say that. Grief is a great revealer of relationships—it’s important to be able to sit alongside someone and not try to fix it.”
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