How to Make New Friends and Deepen Existing Bonds: Experts Share Friendship Tips
Discover how sending a simple text can nurture your friendships
You likely already know that close connections don’t just feel good, they’re good for you. In fact, studies show friendship boosts our health and longevity, decreases our risk of depression and enhances our overall quality of life. But it’s no secret that making new friends is just plain hard, especially as we get older and life gets busier. To the rescue: Friendship mavens share practical, heartfelt ways to both forge new ties and foster current ones, so that you can reap all the benefits of these empowering relationships.
How to make new friends fast
Proximity is the key to making new pals, as we befriend people who are literally within a convenient radius. But as we get older, and our world naturally shrinks a bit, it becomes increasingly difficult to find like-minded folks. Here, experts share simple ways to thwart this tendency and cultivate new, meaningful bonds.
Look to your interests first when making new friends
“Many women are stretched for time, juggling responsibilities for caregiving and work, so it’s best if friendships are as convenient as possible,” says psychologist Irene S. Levine, PhD, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. “One of the best ways to make new friends is to pursue your interests—whether it’s joining a book club, civic organization, bridge or mah-jongg group. You’ll be among kindred spirits and the regularity of seeing the same people week after week allows you to determine who may be friend-worthy.”
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Be the inviter as you expand friendship circles
It sounds simple, but so few of us put ourselves out there and initiate new friendships—that’s why being the “inviter” is so important. “I have been the ‘new girl’ many times, and I’ve learned how important it is to extend yourself and then follow up,” says faith-based speaker Julie Fisk and co-author of The One Year Daily Acts of Friendship devotional. She recalls how when she and her husband moved to a new neighborhood, they were the ones who made the “welcome cookies” and knocked on doors. “Be brave and be the one who reaches out—I made two dear friends just because I invited them out to lunch one day.”
Let yourself listen
One of the fastest ways to transform an acquaintance into a good friend is through an often overlooked art form: listening. “Rather than try to come up with a response, ask questions to stay in their story,” advises Fisk. “You might say, ‘What do you want to do about (X dilemma)?’ We can’t always solve our friends’ problems, but we can be there for them and hear them.”
Keep showing up for new friends
Simply put, consistency is the key to intimate friendships. “Sometimes, it’s the quiet moments that strengthen bonds the most,” says community builder Monika Jiang. “Whether you’re supporting them in practical, unasked-for ways by offering help when they’re busy or being there to listen without needing to ‘fix’ anything, the message you’re sending is: ‘I see you, and I care.’”
Deepen bonds with friends easily
It’s the truest of truisms: The best friendships are old friendships. Whether you want to reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to in years or are looking for ways to nurture your current friendships, read on for a few sweet ideas.
Know that friendship is love
On the hierarchy of relationships, our bonds with friends tend to take a back seat to the ties we have with our partner or husband. But to get more out of our friendships, we need to change that mindset, says psychologist Marisa G. Franco, PhD, psychologist and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. “Romantic love has monopolized our conception of what love means—and that diminishes our imagination,” she says, adding that we need to open our minds to the truth that friendships can be every bit as meaningful.
The next time a friend asks you for a favor, she recommends reflecting on whether you would do it for a significant other. When a friend asked Franco to pick her up at the airport at midnight, she asked herself this very question and made the extra effort. “Going out of your way for a friend is a clear way to deepen that relationship. What hurts them hurts us and what benefits them benefits us.”
Share your affection freely
Research shows we tend to underestimate how much our friends value our expressions of love and admiration. But simply telling them how much they mean to us goes a long way. “Try to be really intentional about it,” encourages Franco, recalling how she brought her best friend to tears (in the best way!) simply by thanking her for going through this crazy journey of life together with a few simple words: “I don’t know who I’d be without you.”
Focus on 3 keys of friendship
The closest ties are built on consistency, vulnerability and positivity, notes friendship expert Shasta Nelson, author of Frientimcy and Friendships Don’t Just Happen! “If it feels good when you talk, but you want to do it more often, focus on consistency by putting a standing phone date on the calendar,” she says. “Or if you wish your interactions were more meaningful, vulnerability may be lacking, and you might ask deeper questions.” And when it comes to feeling more joy: “We often need more positivity in our relationships, so share affirmations, like, ‘I love when you call.’ Positivity makes people gravitate to us.”
Foster soulmate-ships
Aristotle said there are three types of friendships: utilitarian (you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours); pleasure-based (a.k.a., party time!); and ‘soulmate’ friendships—those that make you feel like you’ve known each other forever, reveals therapist Hope Kelaher, LCSW, author of Here to Make Friends.
The biggest roadblock keeping us from forging soulmate bonds? A lack of reciprocity, she says. In order to create more balance, she recommends simply maintaining curiosity. “For example, ask your friend to tell you more about X or Y. Reflective listening helps you learn new things about even your oldest friends.”
Reach out with thinking-of-you texts
“Small gestures go a long way to let someone know that even if we aren’t present, we’re still thinking about them,” says Kelaher. “I have a friend from childhood who, whenever she hears a song that we loved growing up, will shoot me a text reminding me of the good old days. It’s such a small thing, but it makes us feel connected even when we’re far apart.”
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