Are You a Sandwich Generation Caregiver? Experts Share How to Ease Stress and Practice Self-Care
Acknowledging all you do as a caregiver is the first step
You’re far from alone: More than 5 million of us are caring for our aging parents and our children at the same time. To be a Sandwich Generation caregiver is to be torn between two worlds—and somehow balance both of them on our shoulders with the grace of a ballet dancer and the strength of Wonder Woman. Here, experts share simple, heartfelt, stress-melting tips that’ll help you not only cope but thrive as a Sandwich Generation superhero.
Give yourself credit as a sandwich generation caregiver
Caregiver. While so many women should wear this title proudly, few of us believe we deserve to. “Research shows the first hurdle preventing women from relieving stress is that we don’t even identify as caregivers,” says occupational therapist and social worker Lynda Shrager, author of Age in Place: A Guide to Modifying, Organizing and Decluttering Mom and Dad’s Home. We believe we’re daughters and mothers just doing our job. “But when you’re pulled between making your granddaughter’s recital and taking your mom to a doctor’s appointment, that’s caregiver stress, and naming it is vital.”
Acknowledge the overwhelm
Know that you are not alone in feeling torn between parents and children, says “Sandwich Generation” caregiving expert Christy Byrne Yates, author of Building a Legacy of Love: Thriving in the Sandwich Generation. “You’re experiencing unique stressors, juggling both sides of the sandwich as you give the car keys to your teenage driver, while wrestling them from your mom. It’s a twilight zone.”
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Navigating this landscape can be more than a bit disorienting. “If you’re the parent of a toddler, for example, you might find yourself speaking to your parent like you would to a small child—in a sing-songy voice.” When these moments have you feeling frazzled and torn between two generations, she suggests taking a beat and reminding yourself of how you can communicate as directly as possible. “If you’re speaking to a parent, for example, you might say, ‘I know it feels terrible to have to wear Depends, but it’s also very important.”
Define ‘Sandwich’ on your terms
No matter how much you do, it often feels like it’s not enough, notes expert in aging and families Amy Goyer, author of Juggling Life, Work, and Caregiving. To let go of this guilt while taking care of her parents and sister, she jotted down all of her tasks. Seeing them in black and white not only helped her release unrealistic expectations, it expanded what “sandwich” meant to her. “I don’t have kids, but I felt pressure between family and work.” Your sandwich doesn’t have to fall within the traditional definition to be just as worthy of acknowledging.
Be honest about your grief
“I didn’t realize how much grief I was carrying before my parents died—it’s called anticipatory grief,” reveals Yates. “Even if your parents don’t have a disease, they’re losing some skills because that’s the natural aging process. You’re going to feel sad.”
One of the most challenging aspects of the grieving process is the way it affects the dynamic between you and the other part of your sandwich: your kids. “How do you show up with joy for them, when two minutes ago you were crying?” says Yates. The answer may be simpler than you think. “Allow your kids to know you’re feeling grief. Tell them, especially older kids, ‘This is why I’m feeling crabby right now. It’s not you. I’m just struggling with this, and I need some time right now.’” She adds that these simple words not only will help bring you closer—your example will also show your kids how to advocate for themselves in the future.
Ditch impossible perfectionism
Beating yourself up for not being “perfect”? “Often it’s not guilt you feel but love and caring—and assigning guilt to these emotions makes you feel worse,” says Goyer. “Next time you regret not being at your daughter’s soccer game and your mom’s doctor’s appointment at the same time, remind yourself that you’re doing your best—and when you’re doing your best, you’re succeeding.”
It’s okay to not be okay
“When my mother-in-law came to live with us, I felt ashamed that I didn’t want to take this on,” admits social worker and mother-of-three Felicia Wilson, PhD, author of The Sandwich Generation: Learning How to Balance Caring for Your Children and Aging Parents. “But when I told a friend, she just said, ‘I understand.’” Confiding in someone you trust isn’t complaining—it’s validating. “It helped me step back and see this really was the best choice, at least for the time being, which got me through the day-to-day.”
Create space for yourself
Cordoning off a private space of your own, no matter how modest, will help you take the small breaks you need. “There’s no room in my home just for me, so I put a fold-out chair in our biggest closet and that’s where I go just to breathe or pray for a few minutes,” says Wilson. “Spiritually connecting with something greater than yourself reminds you that this isn’t solely on your shoulders.”
Pinpoint flexible boundaries
“It’s critical to set boundaries, knowing that you will change them,” says Yates. And how you communicate them depends on your audience: “You might tell your parent, for example, ‘The boundary I’m setting is that I want to attend every school program,’ while you tell your child something more flexible because they take promises very literally: ‘I’m caregiving for your grandmother, and there will be times when she’s going to need to take priority, but I’m going to do my very best.'” Boundaries are always changing when you’re a caregiver, especially when you’re “sandwiched,” she says. Just knowing this will help you navigate both worlds with grace and grit.
Give yourself permission to ask for help
“I used to think if I had to ask for help, it meant I was incompetent,” reveals Goyer. “But instead of beating yourself up, tell yourself, ‘I can accept help and still be in charge’ or ‘I’m going to ask for help, so I can manage this situation,’” she encourages. “Reaching out through your friends, church or local agency on aging can change everything.”
Lean on your team
When you’re “sandwiched,” what may seem like your biggest stressor (different generations under your roof) can be your biggest strength. “Involving the kids in a team approach to caregiving can make such a difference,” says Goyer. “Depending on how old they are and how much responsibility they can take on, you might say, ‘We’re doing this as a family, and you’re a critical member of the team.’ Maybe children can have dinner with their grandma once a week or older teens can mow the lawn. This helps them become less resentful when grandma or grandma take mom’s focus and energy away from them—they’re part of the team and that really matters.”
Focus on opportunities for growth
For all the struggles you experience as a caregiver, there are so many gifts that come with this experience. “My kids learned compassion in real time,” says Yates. “As for me, I learned how to be an advocate for myself and my parents, and how to ask for help when I needed it. This experience ‘sharpened my saw,’ so to speak, in a lot of ways.”
Know that you are a success
Taking care of loved ones is, of course, fraught with complex emotions. “One day, I was feeling like a failure and I thought, ‘What can I do to change this feeling?’” Goyer recalls. The answer was to shift her definition of success. “What am I 100% sure I’m great at? Being there. That’s success. Everything in life is a choice and you’re choosing to care—feel good about that, and remember the goal isn’t perfection, it’s resilience.”
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