Coping With Grief: Experts Share Heartfelt Ways to Honor Difficult Emotions and Find Hope
See how simply saying your loved one’s name aloud can help you heal
While most of our fears will never come to pass, the heartbreak of loss is something that will eventually touch all of us. Though everyone’s journey through grieving a loss is unique, one thing is universal: We all struggle to know how to cope with grief, especially when losing family members or close friends. Here, mental health professionals, who’ve experienced it firsthand, reveal the study-backed keys to honoring your feelings—and showing yourself compassion on your journey.
Show yourself grace
Acknowledge all the grief you’re carrying and honor the grieving process, urges grief therapist Claire Bidwell Smith, author of Conscious Grieving. “Because our culture struggles to hold space for grief, we think we should be moving through it more quickly than is typically possible,” she says. “We can be hard on ourselves, often feeling discombobulated by the vulnerability grief elicits. Extending even a small amount of grace toward ourselves can go a long way.
Be honest with yourself
“Grief is so painful on its own that when people aren’t tuned in to what we need, it can be overwhelming,” says psychologist Bradie Hansen and coauthor of The Long Grief Journey. “To get clearer on what you’re missing, ask yourself, ‘What would it feel like for someone to understand my grief?’” One thing you may need is deceptively simple: more time. “People tend to give us a few weeks or months, but after that, they may assume we’ve moved on, and they stop asking how we’re doing. You might simply want them to keep checking in.” Be as honest as you can about your needs to give yourself the space to grieve.
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Know that you are never alone
A major key to resilience is knowing that we all struggle in life. Grief is a natural response to loss, and a support group is often a phone call away. “It’s powerful to accept you weren’t singled out,” says Hone. “About 76 percent of people will experience a potentially traumatic event, yet only 8 percent will develop post-traumatic stress disorder; this means we can cope.” The most resilient people are able to see what they can and can’t change — and what they still have in their lives, despite feelings of sadness. “Self-compassion helps stop the ‘why me?’ question, as it reminds you that you’re not alone.”
Feel their presence
“At least 60 percent of people experience signs of the person they’ve lost,” says grief expert Kimberley Pittman-Schulz, author of Grieving Us: A Field Guide for Living With Loss Without Losing Yourself.
She recalls a woman who decided she would see the world not only for herself but also for her late partner. “One day she found herself telling him about a flower on the nature path they both loved to walk — it made her feel like she could continue to do the things they enjoyed together moving forward in her own life.”
Allow the waves to come
“Anyone who thinks the shortest distance between two places is a straight line knows nothing about grief,” says Rabbi Steve Leder, bestselling author of For When I Am Gone and The Beauty of What Remains.
Indeed, grief is not linear: We don’t experience it in tidy, discrete steps. “You can feel like you’re standing in calm seas for a while, years even, when suddenly a wave of grief overwhelms you.”
This metaphor has helped Leder understand his own sorrow. “When confronted with a wave, our instinct is to plant our feet in the sand and take it. But when my dad died, I realized the inadequacy of this default setting. Very often, we need to lie down and let the wave wash over us.” Sometimes that means pulling off the freeway to cry or giving yourself permission to stay in bed that day. “Behind every no is a yes—say yes to what you need.”
Let go of expectations
“Grief is as individual as your fingerprint,” says resilience expert Lucy Hone, PhD, author of Resilient Grieving, who lost her 12-year-old daughter, Abi, in a car accident. She urges letting go of preconceived notions of what it “should” look like. Instead, notice what’s helping or harming you. “Does looking at social media on Mother’s Day help you, or is it better to stay away on anniversary days?”
Say their name
A common refrain Hansen hears from grievers is they wish people were more comfortable bringing up their loved one. “Practice saying their name or who they were: ‘I really miss my mom today,’ Or, ‘I saw X or Y that makes me think of my brother.’ I know someone who loves it when people tell stories about her late father, for example. By bringing them up, you invite others to do the same.”
Find solace in loving rituals
“Writing letters to them on anniversary days or carrying on traditions around holidays can bring people we’ve lost forward with us,” says Bidwell Smith. Indeed, rituals let us continue to love them, adds Hone, recalling her brother who died two years ago. “He was a huge yachtsman, and one day I was out swimming with his sons, and one of them suggested, ‘Let’s take one big gulp of seawater for Dad!’ It was completely unique to my brother, so it made me feel connected to him.”
Honor their memories
The truth is memory is both beautiful and painful. “It can make us feel caressed and spat on at the same time,” says Leder. “My relationship with my late father has continued, and in some ways is more beautiful than when he was physically alive.” He explains his father had Alzheimer’s disease the last 10 years of his life. “It’s no longer about diapers, lifts, doctors and baby food—instead it’s about his wisdom echoing through my mind, and memories like the way he would wipe his plate clean at a good Italian restaurant. There’s a duality to memory and as painful as it can be, it can also help you hold on to love.”
Indeed, reflect on how you want to live your life to honor your loved one. “You might think of how your mother taught you to be kind or stand up for people,” says Hone. “Ultimately, grief is about meaning-making: reconstructing a world that makes sense to us again.” As Pittman-Schulz puts it: “The hole that is grief can become a place for holding the one you love.”
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