Why Restoring Sexual Desire Can Reignite Your Passion for Everything Else in Life
Low libido isn't just a sexual issue—it's often a sign your brain's reward system needs attention
Key Takeaways
- Low sexual desire isn't always an isolated bedroom issue and can have several causes.
- Sexual desire involves brain reward systems that overlap with other forms of wanting.
- Identifying the cause of low desire can help women find appropriate treatment and support.
When a doctor dismisses our low sexual desire, and we in turn dismiss it ourselves, we may be missing out on more than just meaningful moments in the bedroom. Brain science reveals there’s a direct link between wanting sex and wanting other fulfilling experiences in life. And addressing one can improve all the others. For this psychological reason alone, experts report that the upsides of treating low sexual desire are huge: It can reignite our hunger for other goals such as writing a book, changing jobs, running for office, traveling the world or achieving our wildest bucket-list wishes. The sky is the limit. Keep reading to learn more about this often overlooked connection and how to correct it. Know this for certain: You are worthy of wanting things in your life!
The desire connection doctors want you to know about
“I see firsthand that desire is about so much more than sex,” says Debra Durst, MD, founder of RevitalyzeMD. “I’ve treated thousands of patients over the years, and women’s sexual health is an area I’m especially passionate about.”
When women come to her saying their libido is gone, they often share something else: They don’t feel motivated, confident or excited about things they used to enjoy. “A phrase I hear all the time is simply, ‘I just don’t feel like myself anymore.’” And that’s no coincidence. “We do women a disservice when we look at low sexual desire as an isolated bedroom issue or tell them it’s simply a normal part of getting older.”
The brain science behind wanting something
Let’s take a peek inside the brain to understand what’s really going on here. “Wanting anything—be it a creative project, career goal or even a meaningful relationship—is controlled by the dopamine reward system in the brain, which is the same circuitry that controls sexual wanting,” explains psychiatrist Sarah Boss, MD, clinical director at The Balance clinic. She’s referring to the feel-good chemical messenger in the brain called dopamine.
But common factors like stress can suppress these circuits. And when that happens, the effect goes far beyond sexual interest. “Life flattens. Work becomes mechanical and hobbies and passion projects are quiet,” Dr. Boss reveals.
Why you’ve lost interest in everything
The causes can be complex. We’ve mentioned stress. But there are other factors. “Hormones, brain health, relationships, physical health, sleep and more,” says Dr. Durst. In addition, perimenopause and menopause can complicate the issue.
Mood is also a factor to consider. Lauren Grawert, MD, clinical advisor at Retreat of Boston, says, “In my practice I use the analogy of low sexual desire being just one symptom of a larger loss of wanting. When a patient states they no longer have a desire for sex, I also want to explore their enjoyment of other aspects of life: food, music, physical activity/exercise, social interactions, planning events or the future.”
When desire fades in several areas of life, it often signals depression, burnout or medication side effects. “Treatment should focus on improving both the patient’s ability to experience pleasure and motivating them to increase their level of emotional wellbeing,” she says.
Is it lack of sexual desire—or desire in general?
“It is critical to identify if the decrease in libido is specific or general,” says Michael Genovese, MD, chief medical advisor of Ascendant NY. “If a person continues to enjoy their hobbies, remains motivated at their job and has continuing expectations regarding relationship involvement but experiences decreased sexual interest, then this could be an issue relating specifically to sexual functioning, sex hormone levels, pain or relationship issues.”
To find out if your low desire is limited to sex or having a broader effect in your life, Dr. Genovese finds one question particularly helpful. “When a patient tells me ‘I no longer want sex,’ I like to ask, ‘What else do you no longer want?’” He agrees: Improving desire is often not about libido alone, but about identifying what is suppressing the broad-based reward system in our brain.
Yes, you can restore your desire for life
The good news: This is fixable. “Addressing sexual wellness can be an important part of helping women feel more connected, confident and engaged in their lives again,” Dr. Durst assures.
And success does happen. “I regularly see women who report a reawakening in their lives after they begin to have better sexual desire. I hear about them finishing books, being ambitious and pushing for success at work and making plans with friends and family,” Dr. Boss says. “Healing the sexual problem has given their whole life a boost.”
Ready to want more? Easy help is within reach
Consider these three approaches to restoring your desire for sexual activity—and life:
Create a pleasure menu
Awareness is key. “Often, when a woman has low libido, the first thing I have her do is create a pleasure menu,” explains intimacy coach Alexandra Stockwell, MD, CEO of Alexandra Stockwell Coaching and Consulting. How to do it? “Using all five senses, create moments of pleasure throughout the day.” For example: Light a scented candle you love. Savor a piece of dark chocolate. Put on music that makes you want to dance. Wrap yourself in a soft blanket. Notice a beautiful sunset. “This awakens your ability to feel pleasure and desire, which can then be more effectively cultivated in the bedroom.”
Take a desire inventory
“Sexual desire is a reflection of the overall relationship a woman has with herself, not just with another,” says sexual medicine expert Evelin Dacker, MD, who runs Wild Woman Wellness Medicine practice and is a Menopause Society Certified Practitioner. She developed the STARS health model. It stands for:
- Safety needs
- Turn-ons (the sexual gas pedal)
- Avoids (the sexual brakes)
- Relationship dynamics
- Sexual health
Take a moment to consider these five factors. “Every one of these contributes to libido, pleasure and joy in life,” Dr. Dacker says. “It moves beyond just sex into every aspect of her life.”
Consider meds that can help
Ob-gyn Bruce Dorr, MD, a member of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, wants women to know there are also two FDA-approved treatments available for persistent low sexual desire that causes distress, also called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). “Addyi works on serotonin and dopamine receptors. And Vyleesi works on melanocortin receptors,” he says. Addyi is a once daily pill and Vyleesi is an on-demand shot.
The bottom line
You are worthy of wanting things in life—in and out of the bedroom, with or without a partner. And help is within reach to reconnect you with what makes your life feel more fulfilling and alive. You can regain your desire and spark for life!
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