5 Easy Ways to Avoid Toxic Positivity, Stay True to Your Authentic Self and Savor Genuine Happiness
Plus, learn the three-letter word proven to help you overcome self-doubt and boost your resilience
“Smile!” Chances are you’ve been told that once or twice (or a million times!) in your life. You’ve probably even admonished yourself to do just that when you’ve found yourself in a blue mood. While it may seem innocent enough, forcing yourself to be happy, when you’re decidedly not, can create a downward spiral affecting your mental health, known as toxic positivity, shown to curb self-esteem and heighten stress. Here, experts share how to avoid toxic positivity, address negative feelings and live an authentic life — so that you can be true to all the complex emotions that make you you.
What are the dangers of toxic positivity?
“Toxic positivity is an oversimplified approach to difficult stuff,” says clinical psychologist Allison Niebes-Davis, PhD. “It insists that people only see the bright side; phrases like ‘good vibes only,’ ‘everything happens for a reason’ and ‘just stay positive’ are frequent offenders.” This tells painful feelings, “There’s no room for you here. Go away!” But when we feel the pressure to be positive, we often end up feeling isolated and alone.
1. Let down your guard to curb toxic positivity
“Women are socialized to be as small as possible because we don’t want anyone to think that we are ‘work’ to be around,” says clinical psychologist Tanisha M. Ranger, PsyD, of the difficult emotions we experience. “Positivity can be a screen we put up to prevent others from going out of their way for us, but it’s not burdening them to be honest about our feelings,” she says. Friends and loved ones want to connect with us, and to do that, they have to know what we’re truly going through, especially if we’re feeling negative emotions.
2. Focus on your reservoirs of resilience
“It’s perfectly fine to be frustrated during a frustrating situation or angry if you’ve been offended,” insists Ranger. True positivity, she says, isn’t smiling through pain — it’s acknowledging it, and knowing that your suffering won’t last forever because you do have the resources to overcome setbacks.
3. Acknowledge contradictory emotions
Instead of forcing positivity, psychologist Jaime Zuckerman, PsyD, suggests learning to get comfortable with discomfort, simply by sitting with it and observing what you’re feeling. “Let yourself be a spectator and watch as your emotions bubble up and pass through,” she says about practicing mindfulness. “You can be happy and sad at the same time. Don’t judge yourself for feeling a certain way because it’s not one or the other.” The faster you accept your emotions — without feeling guilty — the faster you’ll get through them.
4. Find solace in ‘and’
“The word ‘and’ is your best friend,” says Niebes-Davis. “‘This is hard and I’m capable,’ ‘It’s hard to lose out on X and there will be more opportunities.’” Embracing this little word lets you honor your emotions, whether you’re feeling sad or angry, while still holding onto hope. “If you find yourself jumping to the bright side, remind yourself to acknowledge what’s hard first. It makes a world of difference.”
5. Sidestep faux silver linings
“I often say to people who are struggling, ‘You don’t have to silver line this cloud for my benefit; we can sit together in the rain,’” reveals Ranger. “People who are good at being with others’ pain have gotten good at being with their own.” In other words, listening to your emotions, good and bad, without judgment, will help you connect with and support others even more profoundly.
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