How To Deal with Narcissists: Expert Tips to Manage Toxic Behavior and Stand Your Ground
Psychologists reveal how to spot a narcissist, manage toxic traits and protect your boundaries
A sense of grandiosity, intense sensitivity to criticism, a “victim” narrative… narcissistic behavior may be easy to spot, but when it comes to how to deal with a narcissist? Well, that’s a bit trickier. Staying true to your boundaries—and to yourself—requires knowing how to communicate effectively and dodge conflict when you can. Keep reading for psychologists’ top tips proven to help you defuse toxic traits and stand your ground proudly and confidently.
How to deal with a narcissist
Here, three acclaimed experts share effective strategies for spotting narcissistic traits and outsmarting the most common manipulation tactics of a narcissist.
Spot the two types of narcissism
There are two main types of narcissists: the overt, chest-thumping, grandiose kind we’re all too familiar with and the lesser known, but no less toxic, covert variety. The former “is the classic, attention-seeking, socially dominating type,” says expert on narcissism Julie L. Hall, author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free. “They may be skilled at doing it in a charming or compelling way—like people who seem like the life of the party but who aren’t really listening to anyone. They have a ‘false self,’ a delusional sense of their own specialness and capabilities to cover for their unstable self-esteem and underlying shame.”
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On the other side of this coin is the covert narcissist. “They’re passive aggressive, relying on microaggressions like sarcastic comments, dismissals and backhanded compliments, and they can seem vulnerable because they have a victim narrative, often complaining how they’ve been cheated or treated badly,” says Hall. Just knowing the signs is the first step to sidestepping this challenging personality type.
Don’t suppress your anger
Narcissists have an uncanny talent for gaslighting us, making us feel like something is wrong with our mind when nothing could be further from the truth. “Instead of asking yourself, ‘Am I the problem? Should I be more sensitive?’ ask yourself, ‘Am I happy?’ Am I getting what I need?” advises clinical psychologist and lecturer for Harvard Medical School, Craig Malkin, PhD, author of Rethinking Narcissism.
“What are you truly feeling? Nine times out of 10, the answer is, ‘I think I’m angry,’” he says. And that’s a good thing. “Anger is an important core emotion telling us when our boundaries are being violated. The flip side of anger is need—your need for care, respect, closeness. Once you start expressing your anger, you’ll know what you truly need.”
Lead with empathy but stay firm
“That doesn’t mean sympathy or compassion,” Wendy T. Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist, is quick to clarify. “Empathy just means that you ‘get it.’ Once you imagine their world, you’ll have the freedom to go back into the conversation and be in control.” If you have a friend on the narcissism spectrum, for example, and they’re constantly late, leaving you waiting, you might say, “I know you have a big job and you’re really busy, but my time matters too. This has become a pattern and it’s hurtful.”
But if you had led with the fact their behavior is hurtful, they would have gotten defensive immediately. Indeed, simply starting with empathy puts you in a position to have difficult conversations. She says, “They won’t expect you to be so confident and contained, and you will feel great being a strong advocate for yourself—a strong representative for your soul.”
Dealing with a narcissist at work? Use communal activation
We can’t always limit contact with a narcissistic coworker, but we may be able to manage them, observes Malkin. “It’s not that they have no capacity for closeness—it’s just blocked by their need to get ahead,” he says.
Malkin recommends focusing on small moments when they are collaborating or getting along with the group. “You might say, for example, ‘I really loved it when we talked about X project at lunch.’ If you encourage their moments of connection, they’re more likely to show them again. This is called ‘communal activation,’ reinforcing getting along with the group over getting ahead.”
Rebuild your sense of self after interactions
Narcissists are like energy vampires, often drawn to people with the most empathy and compassion—so cut yourself a sliver of slack for being drawn into their highly manipulative web. Then rebuild your self-esteem, encourages Hall. “Their behavior is so wounding, you need to reaffirm your sense of reality and learn to reestablish boundaries.” How to begin doing just that? “Stop taking responsibility for situations that weren’t your fault and surround yourself with trustworthy people.”
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