How To Stand up to a Bully: Proven Ways To Defuse Toxic People and Create Empowering Boundaries
Plus, see the ‘gray rock’ technique proven to neutralize narcissists
We’ve all known unpleasant people, but when unpleasant becomes downright unbearable, we know we’re dealing with a bully. From aggressive narcissists to more subtle passive-aggressive types, no matter what brand of toxic you’re confronted with, it can be hard to know how to respond. Here, experts share research-backed strategies to help you stand up to a bully, protect your mental health and create the boundaries you need to ensure you feel safe, confident and in charge.
Release self-blame
Bullies typically target highly skilled people in a misguided attempt to feel superior, reveals bullying prevention expert Dawn Johnson, author of Outwit the Workplace Bully: 8 Steps You Need to Know to Reclaim Your Career, Confidence, and Sanity. She says that the average age of a bully’s victim is 42, and they are usually well-regarded and respected by their peers.
“I interviewed more than 200 people who’ve been bullied, and their stories are shockingly similar: They’re very productive or have shaken up the status quo somehow by calling out bad behavior,” adds Dorothy Suskind, PhD, who conducted a study in which she collected the stories of over 200 victims of bullying across 27 states and eight countries. Rather than beat yourself up, she says, remind yourself that you don’t deserve to be mistreated and none of this is your fault.
Woman's World Answers
Be your own cheerleader
It’s vital to repeat encouraging statements to yourself when facing a bully, advises therapist Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., co-founder and Director of Innovation for the High Conflict Institute. “You want to keep these short, simple and totally positive,” he says. “Just memorize one or two statements. You can even put them on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror if it’s an ongoing situation. For example: No one deserves to be bullied like this. This is not about me. I can get through this; I’ve done it before. When you say these things to yourself, it makes your words louder in your head and their words quieter and less threatening.”
‘Fact check’ with friends
It’s easy to feel isolated when you’re dealing with bullies. That’s why it helps to foster supportive allies. “Try to check in with someone you trust,” urges therapist Kati Morton, LMFT, author of Are u ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health. “If it’s happening at work, for example, you might tell a colleague, ‘I just had a difficult conversation with X. Have you had similar experiences where they’re combative?’ It’s so important to feel validated.”
Savor your successes
“Bullies try to replace the good feelings you have about yourself with the false, negative things they’re saying about you,” says Johnson. She advises building up your confidence with a “smile file.” “Just jot down your accomplishments and traits you’re proud of, and keep this list with you.” When you’re having a rough day, look at it to help silence the bully’s false narrative and remind yourself of all your great qualities and just how much you’re capable of.
Outsmart covert bullies
Dealing with someone passive-aggressive? “If they say something backhanded or indirect, get curious,” Morton advises. “You might say, ‘Is there something you wanted to say to me directly?’ Or if they did something like take credit for your work, you might say, ‘I noticed you brought up the idea I talked with you about yesterday—I’m sure you meant to say it came from me.’ You’re still being assertive, but you’re taking control through your curiosity.”
Pretend you’re a rock
Narcissists are among the most challenging of bullies, and they want nothing more than to elicit an emotional response. That’s where “gray rocking” comes in, notes Morton. “Be boring, like a rock, by speaking in a flat tone. If they challenge your recollection of an event, for example, you might say, ‘That’s interesting; I don’t remember it that way,’ and walk away. Starve them of the emotional rise they crave, and they often move on.”
Enforce boundaries
Bullies ignore limit-setting; that’s why you need to be prepared to impose a consequence, says Eddy. “For example, you might say, ‘If you keep talking to me that way, I’m going to leave this conversation.’ Then if they persist, you can say, ‘You’ve chosen to have me leave. Let me know when you’re ready to talk civilly.’” The more you practice what you want to say, the more empowered you’ll become.
Spot sneaky tactics
“One sign of subtle, ‘stealth bullying’ is that you feel worse when you walk away from interactions with the person, but you don’t really know why,” says psychologist Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, author of Mindful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. “They might do things that question your abilities, but in a way that is hard to put your finger on. And if you contradict them, they go to friends or family members to preemptively get them on their side.” Just being able to recognize this toxic behavior helps you find the confidence to stand up to it.
Nip fawning in the bud
A common self-preservation strategy is fawning, or trying to win over a bully. It may come from a place of compassion, but don’t give in to this impulse, urges mental health expert Susan Biali Haas, MD, author of The Resilient Life. “Rather than overexplaining or trying to help them understand your perspective, remind yourself that they don’t care,” she says bluntly. “In fact, this can make you even more vulnerable to their attacks.”
Conversation
All comments are subject to our Community Guidelines. Woman's World does not endorse the opinions and views shared by our readers in our comment sections. Our comments section is a place where readers can engage in healthy, productive, lively, and respectful discussions. Offensive language, hate speech, personal attacks, and/or defamatory statements are not permitted. Advertising or spam is also prohibited.
