How to Set Boundaries With Adult Children: Experts Share Firm Yet Loving Strategies
Being honest with your needs is the first step to fostering stronger ties with grown kids
From before they are even born, we love our children. And we continue to want the best for them whether we’re swaddling them in their cradle or packing them off to college. But when we feel the constant pressure to rescue or support adult children—despite the toll it may be taking on us—we end up hurting their ability to stand on their own and succeed in this world. Here, experts share assertive yet compassionate communication strategies to help you set loving boundaries with your adult children—and foster a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.
It’s okay that it’s hard
Creating boundaries with adult kids is challenging for all parents. “Your child is an extension of yourself, and it’s unnatural to set boundaries with yourself,” says psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson, author of Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child and host of the Reconnection Club Podcast.
“You want to be kind but don’t want to be a pushover, and it’s hard to find a balance—but not impossible.” She suggests first asking yourself what your limits are. “For example, you might realize it’s not okay for your kids to suddenly show up for the weekend with no notice, even though you want to see them. We often leap to setting boundaries without first asking ourselves what we actually need, so it helps to reflect on the kind of dynamic you want moving forward.
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Start by affirming your connection
Before having a challenging conversation, begin with validation, urges Gilbertson. “You might say something like, ‘I know you need a place to stay while you look for a job, and you’re always welcome here.’ Then state your position in one sentence: ‘I need you to make a contribution to the household while you’re living here—let’s talk about some possibilities.’” Finally, thank them for the conversation. This “positivity sandwich” lets you set limits and grow closer at the same time.
Open up about financial boundaries
With life getting more and more expensive, it’s no wonder 44 percent of young adults are getting a financial assist from their parents. While you want to help, if their needs are affecting your bottom line, it’s important to be open with your kids. For example, you might say something like: “We’re going to be retiring in a couple of years and we can’t afford to help you to the degree we have been,” says Laurence Steinberg, PhD, one of the world’s leading experts on adolescence and author of You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times. “It’s not so much about whether you say yes or no—it’s your explanation that matters.”
Ask strategic questions
One of the biggest sticking points between parents and adult children comes down to one word: advice. “Sometimes the best way to express your opinion is through asking questions,” says Steinberg. “Let’s say they’re thinking of buying a house, and you don’t think they’re ready, but they haven’t asked you for advice. You could say, ‘Have you thought about what you might not be able to do, like travel, if you pay X amount of money on your mortgage?’” Your questions may serve as gentle reminders for your kids to ask themselves deeper questions.
Show yourself grace
In the end, setting boundaries with anyone, let alone the people you love most, takes some practice. “Show yourself grace because you’re figuring this out as you go—like all parenting,” says therapist Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW, author of The Better Boundaries Workbook. “Just keep reminding yourself that all relationships, including those with your kids, function better when you have clear expectations of each other and are on the same page—it all boils down to mutual respect.”
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