How To Set Healthy Boundaries: Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab Shares What Actually Works
Learn what boundaries really are—and why you can't control how others react
Learning how to set healthy boundaries is one of the most talked-about concepts in mental health today, yet it remains one of the most misunderstood. In a recent conversation on the podcast What Matters with Liz, licensed therapist and New York Times bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab broke down what boundaries actually mean, why they’re so hard to enforce and how to navigate the difficult conversations that come with them.
What are relationship boundaries?
At their core, boundaries are simpler than many people think. Tawwab defined them plainly: “Boundaries are needs or expectations in a relationship. Boundaries can be verbal or they can be physical. In most instances, our boundaries are what we embody.”
She offered a relatable example. If your boundary is prioritizing a good night’s rest in preparation for a busy morning ahead, you might set your phone to Do Not Disturb at night. “In many instances, we’ll say ‘Why is so and so calling me after 10 o’clock?’ Well, they can call whatever time they want to. Are they able to get through? That’s where your boundaries come in,” Tawwab said. “They’re not even able to get through, because my boundary is ‘Do Not Disturb.’”
Woman's World Answers
The key distinction: A boundary is something you create and control yourself.
Boundaries are not about controlling others
Tawwab was equally clear about what does not count as a boundary. “What isn’t a boundary is controlling someone else’s life,” she said. “And sometimes with boundaries, we feel like we can tell other people how to live their lives. We can share our views or our opinions, and they will have to do it. That is our boundary for them, and that is actually not a boundary—it’s you telling someone what to do.”
She continued, “A boundary is something you can do on your own without this other person doing anything.” This reframe—boundaries as personal actions rather than demands placed on others—is central to Tawwab’s approach to healthy relationships.
How to set healthy boundaries
One of the biggest reasons people avoid setting boundaries is fear. Host and Woman’s World editor-in-chief Liz Vaccariello raised the concern directly: What if setting a healthy boundary costs you an important relationship?
Tawwab’s answer was honest. “How do we control the way the other person responds to our boundary?” she asked. “We can’t. And that’s the really hard part. That’s a big reason we don’t place boundaries, because we want to control how they respond.”
People want to deliver a difficult message and receive a warm reaction, she said. “We want to tell someone a very hard thing, and we want them to be like, ‘Great! This was wonderful!’ And it doesn’t happen that way.”
But she offered reassurance: “The people who are supposed to be in your life for the long haul, when you give them a boundary, they will honor what you’re saying, even if it’s difficult at first.”
Family is often where it gets hardest
Family relationships present a particular challenge. Tawwab said that after she wrote her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, readers kept asking the same question: “Well, what if it’s family?” That response led her to write a second book, Drama Free, focused specifically on family relationships.
“With family, we feel as if we have to make all these exceptions,” she said. People believe the rules apply to everyone else, but not to their own relatives. Tawwab pushed back on that idea: “Maybe the rules are a little more flexible [with family], but do they get to be complete rule violators? Do they have any rules? Do you exercise anything in those relationships?”
She noted that some people are now willing to leave relationships with parents who refuse to respect boundaries. For parents on the receiving end, she posed a question: “If my kid comes to me with some stuff [such as certain boundaries] and I want to be in this relationship with you for a long time, I may not like it, but can I listen?”
How to start the conversation on setting boundaries
When it comes to actually having a boundary conversation, Tawwab offered one guiding principle: Make it about yourself, not the other person.
This matters especially in long-standing relationships. “When we’ve tolerated things for too long and we get tired of a person’s behavior, they are often shocked because all they’ve been doing is being themselves. We’ve just gotten tired of it,” she said.
The other person hasn’t changed. You have. And that shift can be disorienting for everyone involved. But Tawwab was clear that timing doesn’t invalidate the boundary: “It can be an issue whenever you want it to be an issue, the first time or the three-thousandth time.”
That message may be the most liberating takeaway of all—it is never too late to start setting healthy boundaries.
Ready for more? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for video podcasts, health tips and uplifting stories designed for women 40, 50, 60 and beyond.
Conversation
All comments are subject to our Community Guidelines. Woman's World does not endorse the opinions and views shared by our readers in our comment sections. Our comments section is a place where readers can engage in healthy, productive, lively, and respectful discussions. Offensive language, hate speech, personal attacks, and/or defamatory statements are not permitted. Advertising or spam is also prohibited.
