Nedra Glover Tawwab Explains Codependent Relationships—and What Healthy Dependency Really Means
Leaning how to lean on others (in the right way) can be a good thing
If you’ve ever felt lonely but couldn’t figure out why, or sensed that your walls were keeping out the very people who might help you thrive, a prominent therapist wants you to rethink the way you approach your relationships—starting with the idea that depending on others is not only natural, it’s essential.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and New York Times bestselling author, sat down recently with What Matters With Liz podcast host and Woman’s World editor-in-chief Liz Vaccariello to unpack the concepts of healthy dependency, codependent relationships and the tricky balance of setting boundaries without shutting people out. In this wide-ranging conversation, Tawwab offered a roadmap for anyone trying to build stronger, more honest connections, whether with a spouse, a child, a friend or even themselves. Here’s what she wants you to know.
We’re built to rely on one another
“Healthy dependency is when we are able to pursue help from others, to accept help when it’s offered, when we’re able to place boundaries in our relationships and loosen up on the boundaries when needed, when we’re able to honor what somebody else wants and needs, and even center ourselves when someone has a high need that we can’t meet,” Tawwab said. “We will always be dependent on other people.”
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For many of us, the word “dependency” carries negative connotations—images of weakness, neediness or dysfunction. But Tawwab frames it as something fundamentally human, woven into our lives from the very beginning.
“Dependency is healthy. We’ve been dependent since we were infants, right? Like somebody helped you hold your head up, put your shoes on, and here we are now,” she said. “We can do a lot of things ourselves, but we can’t get water into this glass from the pipes, you know, like some somebody is down there cleaning our water systems, we need other people.”
Community is a crucial type of relationship
No one does life alone, and pretending otherwise can lead to isolation, burnout and fractured relationships. Tawwab encourages people to recognize the village that already exists around them, even in its most everyday forms.
“We are a community of people,” Tawwab reiterates. “So whether it is we ignore that, or whether we say, ‘this mail person, this, this person who is my barista, this person who I work with—this is a part of my village. This is what’s helping me to be a healthy, functioning adult.’ That is healthy dependency.”
The message is simple but powerful: Acknowledging the people who contribute to your daily life is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of health.
Understanding codependent relationships
“Codependency [refers to] connection with someone who is exhibiting unhealthy behaviors and they have minimal capacity to reflect what you offer or to meet the needs that you have,” Tawwab explains.
In practical terms, Tawwab described codependent relationships as one person pouring energy, care and resources into someone who cannot or will not reciprocate, often because they are dealing with their own significant struggles.
“When I think of codependency, it can be in a scenario of you helping a person who is high-need, and whenever you need them, they are unable to help you because they don’t have the capacity,” she said. “It’s typically a one sided dynamic, even though the thing that you might be getting from it is this need of being a helper met? Because some of us do have that need, like, ‘I like to help people,’ and that’s beautiful—but it’s a balancing act.”
What makes codependency so hard to see clearly is that it often feels like love. The helper in the dynamic genuinely cares. They believe that with just a little more effort, things will change. Tawwab acknowledged that impulse directly.
“We want to make sure our help is placed in the most useful way,” she said. “There are some people where we’re helping them and it’s actually making their lives worse. We’re helping them and it’s getting in the way of them being able to do the work that they need to do.”
That codependent dynamic can keep people trapped in cycles of over-giving for years, always waiting for a breakthrough that may never come.
Managing codependent relationships
“If you have a codependent relationship, I hope you have other healthy ones,” Tawwab said.
That may take some of the weight off of your shoulders. If trying to change or manage codependent relationships feels too overwhelming right now, Tawwab encourages people to seek variety in their connections so that they have healthy relationships where they, too, can get the support they need.
She also noted that even people in codependent or enmeshed situations can still have a life of their own. “I think sometimes we become hyper focused on the problem in our lives without trying to maximize the joy where we can,” she said. “It’s not about being a perfect human. It’s about having variety.”
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