Stress-Melting Tips to Outsmart Holiday Overwhelm and Reclaim the Calm You Deserve
From defusing arguments to taming tension, we have your holiday survival guide
You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t feeling at least a bit tense this time of year. Between family squabbles, to-do lists as long as Santa’s beard and Pinterest-induced perfectionism, let’s just say there is a lot on your plate. You’re far from alone: A staggering 89 percent of Americans feel overwhelmed over the holidays. The good news is there are easy, empowering ways to reduce holiday stress and cue calm. Here, top mental health experts share a few simple tips to help you trade argh for ahh this season.
Creative ways to dodge holiday stress
Psychologists promise it’s easier than you may think to create a holiday game plan designed to ward off anxiety. Keep reading for a few simple ways to do just that.
Picture your future self
How do you want to feel after Thanksgiving is over? “Research shows that focusing on your future self reduces stress by distancing you from your current anxiety,” reveals psychologist Robert L. Leahy, PhD, author of The Worry Cure. Just tell yourself, ‘I want to walk away feeling in control.’ Then come up with a simple plan. For example, you could build in reminders to step away from the table at the top of every hour for a quick breather. “Starting at the end, with your ideal outcome, helps you envision the steps that’ll get you there,” Leahy explains.
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Take 20% off your plate
When it comes to the four main holiday stressors—overwhelm, loneliness, depression and grief—research shows overwhelm is the “biggie” by a wide margin, says therapist Michele DeMarco, PhD, author of Writing the Wrongs: A Guided Journal for Healing Moral Injury. “We have to give ourselves permission to ask for help, and to actually take people up on it when they offer a hand,” she says, adding that you should aim to take 20 percent off your plate: “If you have 10 tasks, for example, remove two of them from your task list or ask someone to take them on for you.” She adds that it’s important to remind yourself of something we forget far too often: You’re human. “Taking a moment to show yourself compassion will go a long way toward decreasing stress.”
Imagine yourself holding balloons
You already know that being mindful of the present moment is an effective way to relax and melt stress. But tapping this powerful tool in the middle of the festive fray can be challenging…unless, that is, you can make a fist. “Just tense your hand and picture yourself holding a bunch of balloons,” suggests Leahy.
“Then open your palm and watch the balloons float away, like your stress, getting smaller and smaller until they disappear beyond the horizon.” Called “embodied mindfulness,” this trick helps you let go of negative emotions more quickly because it involves both your mind and body as you clench and unclench your fist.
Tame family tensions over the holidays
If you’re like the millions of Americans whose turkey comes with an unwelcome side of family drama, just read on for a few tips to help you nip arguments in the bud.
Strengthen sibling bonds
Ahh, family. We love them but they drive us crazy, especially over the holidays. And according to psychotherapist Lisa Firestone, PhD, one dynamic in particular is often an emotional minefield this time of year: sibling relationships. “These dynamics are hard to change, and we’re often still managing the same conflicts we had when we were 10 years old—that’s why we often revert to old behaviors around them,” she says, adding that it helps to reach out ahead of time. “You might let your sibling know that you’d love to talk about X but would rather avoid Y topics. Whether you have a deep conversation beforehand or keep it light is up to you—choose whichever approach is meaningful to you.”
Melt ‘peacemaker stress’
If you’re the designated diplomat in your family, always trying to bring people together and prevent potential spats, you’re not alone—women report much higher levels of “peacemaker stress” than men over the holidays. One mood-boosting way to shift out of this role is by simply tapping your curiosity, advises psychologist Dianne Grande, PhD. “Tell yourself you’re going to step back and just be an observer,” she suggests. Put on your “reporter’s hat,” asking things like, ‘That’s interesting—how did you come to feel this way?’ It’s a win-win: When you’re accessing the inquisitive part of your brain, you can’t be stressed at the same time, and when others feel seen and heard, they’re far less likely to be combative.
Sidestep squabbles with this affirming word
Taming tension over the holidays may be as easy as uttering one word: accept. “You would be amazed how effectively the phrase, ‘I accept that you disagree with me,’ dials down arguments,” says Leahy. He also encourages his patients to do this simple exercise: Name all the things you’ll still be able to enjoy or do in your life, even if someone is critical or says something hurtful. “You’ll still be able to laugh with friends, enjoy your hobbies, walk the dog… the list goes on,” he notes. In other words, reflecting on how little a negative person actually impacts you allows you to “compartmentalize” his role in your life. “It’s so liberating just to tell yourself, ‘I care about this person, but I accept that they can be unreasonable at times.’”
Feel empowered this holiday
You have far more control over how you react to holiday stresses than you may realize. Here, a few simple strategies to ease tension quickly:
Make this season your own
Close your eyes and ask yourself what your ideal holiday means to you, suggests psychologist Ellen B. Braaten, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. “We’re so wedded to the idea of what the holidays are ‘supposed’ to look like, that we forget to ask ourselves how we’d like to spend the day,” she says, adding that this may mean deciding not to drive across the country to see your in-laws this year or simply taking the day to celebrate with a few friends and catch the football game.
“Give some thought to the people you truly want around you this holiday,” she says. “You might decide you’d like a smaller gathering, or you might tell loved ones that you miss them, but you’d rather celebrate at a different time of year when things are less hectic.” Sometimes, simply downsizing your holiday or celebrating on your terms is enough to ease stress and increase your joy.
Name your sense of loss
For all the joy this season brings, we can’t ignore the sense of loss so many of us feel. “Holidays always bring up grief, because they’re markers of time,” observes Braaten. “Be accepting of that and bring your grief into the open by sharing and memorializing it.” Along with revealing what you’re grateful for, she advises sharing one thing you miss this Thanksgiving. “It helps to name our sense of loss, like, ‘Grandpa died six years ago, but I still miss him sitting in that chair.’ The things we miss tend to be things we’re most grateful for at the same time.”
Create an ‘escape plan’
When we feel threatened, our rational frontal lobe goes offline, which is why having an action plan will help you think in the moment, says DeMarco. “You might tell yourself that if things get heated, you’ll politely excuse yourself to take a walk. Also smart: Soothe anxiety with the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell and one thing you like about yourself. That last part is a twist DeMarco came up with to transform our internal experience from one of anxiety to one of empowerment.
Cue calm with cue cards
You can’t plan for every scenario, but you can choose your response. To help you do just that, DeMarco suggests jotting down a personal mantra or an inspirational word like “courage” on a card and tucking it into your pocket or even hiding it under your place mat. “Knowing it’s there reminds you that you will get through the holidays.”
But if someone does challenge you and you don’t have a good response for them, just count to 10 slowly in your head: 1 Mississippi; 2 Mississippi, and so on, advises DeMarco. “This slows everything down and helps you stay in your rational brain so that you can remain calm and in control.”
Spread & savor genuine gratitude
Reminding yourself what you’re grateful for is what the holidays are all about—and doing so keeps you focused on the positives in every situation, says Grande. “Take a moment and note the beauty of the centerpiece, for example, or simply reflect on the fact that you safely arrived at your destination.” Then gradually expand your “gratitude circle,” by thinking about how you’re grateful that your family traveled safely and imagine all your friends making their way to their destinations, then think about coworkers and so on.” These ever-expanding “concentric circles” of thankfulness help broaden your perspective and make you feel more connected to those around you, decreasing tension and lifting your spirits.
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