How to Cope With ‘Gray Divorce’: 5 Steps to Help You Write Your Next Chapter
With divorce among women over 50 on the rise, we asked experts how to move forward
Breakups are always difficult, but when it comes to ending a relationship later in life, it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us. How do we rebuild? Who do we lean on? If you’ve been wrestling with these kinds of questions, please know that you are not alone. With the divorce rate for women over 50 soaring, we asked experts for empowering ways to overcome a few of the most common emotional and practical challenges of “gray divorce.”
Remember, you are in control
In 1990, the divorce rate for people over 50 was at 8 percent—today, it’s ballooned to 33 percent. What accounts for the skyrocketing numbers? “A constellation of factors,” says family and marriage therapist Linda Hershman, LMFT, author of Gray Divorce: Everything You Need to Know About Later- Life Breakups. “The pandemic sped things up. Suddenly spouses living parallel lives were thrust together for a couple of years and people realized they weren’t happy,” she explains.
The destigmatization of divorce along with longer life expectancy—and a yearning to live those years happily—are two more reasons women in particular are considering later-in-life divorce. “In fact, women initiate 66 percent of ‘gray divorces.’”
Woman's World Answers
Embrace 3 key positives
While men tend to lose connections when couples split—as once mutual friends side with their ex-wives—women often enjoy a lot of social support as their friends rally around them, notes political scientist Jocelyn Crowley, PhD, author of Gray Divorce: What We Lose and Gain from Mid-Life Splits. She interviewed 40 men and 40 women who experienced a gray divorce.
“When I spoke to the women, they pinpointed three areas where they thought their divorces benefited them,” she reveals. “The first was independence—freedom to make their own decisions—while the next biggest positive was their ability to get away from their ex’s toxic behaviors.” The third key benefit is something we can all take inspiration from: feeling happier with life overall.
Address adult children with honesty
From FYI (for your information) to IRL (in real life), acronyms are everywhere these days, so it makes sense that adult children of divorce also have their very own handle: ACODs. And the challenge of knowing how to address them when you’re going through a gray divorce is a hot-button issue. “This subject is one of my most popular presentations when I speak about gray divorce,” reveals Hershman.
“When older parents with grown kids divorce, we tend to assume they have their own lives and it won’t really impact them,” she says. “But in reality, it affects them deeply, especially when there seemed to be little conflict in the marriage and the split feels like it’s coming out of the blue.”
She adds that ACODs often experience what’s known as ambiguous loss, grief for which there is little acknowledgment or healing ritual to ease the blow. Younger children tend to have an easier time recovering from a split, because their parents typically sit them down and talk to them about it, whereas ACODs are left on their own. The key to supporting them through this? Just address it head on. “You might simply say something like, ‘We worked hard to stay together but we’ve gotten to a point where it’s no longer tenable,” suggests Hershman. Being open with them will help your whole family through this transition.
Ease money fears
Financial insecurity is the top fear among female divorcées. That’s why you might consider consulting a financial planner before finalizing your divorce settlement, says Haleh Moddasser, CPA, Managing Partner and Senior Wealth Advisor at Stearns Financial Group, and author of Gray Divorce, Silver Linings: A Woman’s Guide to Divorce After 50. “They can help you come up with an equitable division of assets,” she says, explaining that not all accounts are created equal.
“An IRA and a non-IRA, for example, may have the same amount of money, but will be taxed differently, so it’s important to divide funds fairly.” A financial advisor can also help you take advantage of timing: Rather than finalizing your divorce after 9 years and 11 months, delaying by just one month to hit the 10-year mark may entitle you to half of your ex’s Social Security.
Picture your next chapter
What does your new beginning look like? “If you dream of buying a little cottage in a 55+ community, for example, that vision will help you focus on concrete steps, like whether to sell your current home and use the proceeds for your new house,” says Moddasser. “I know a woman who went back to school to get her degree in psychology. She bought a house and started looking for a roommate—at 67 years old, it was the first time in her life she got to decide something on her own, and she went from despondent after her split to thrilled.” In short, your do-over can be whatever you want it to be.
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