What’s Your Love Language? Experts Share 3 Easy Ways to Figure It Out and How to Tell Your Partner

Perhaps your partner surprised you with fresh flowers after a long, stressful day, but what you really wanted was for them to have dinner ready. Or they did the dishes, albeit poorly, when you were really craving a back massage. Your partner meant well, but their gestures weren’t quite what you needed. That’s where love languages come in! But how can you communicate yours to your partner if you don’t even know it yourself? We asked relationship experts how to figure out your love language and share it with your partner.

What’s a love language?

“A love language is the way you most like to express and receive love from your partner,” explains Lisa Chen, LMFT, a couples therapist and founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy in Hermosa Beach, California. “This concept was named by Gary Chapman, a pastor and marriage counselor, back in 1992 with a book The 5 Love Languages. He first observed that while many couples truly loved one another, they still didn’t feel it. This was because each person showed love in the way they liked it received, rather than the way their partner experienced and felt love. At the time, this was a revolutionary and transformational concept that is widely accepted today.”

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The 5 love languages, explained

You may have heard of the five different languages, but do you know what sets them apart? We asked Vanessa Cushing, LPC, NCC, MS, AASECT-certified sex and couples therapist and founder at Cushing Counseling to break things down: 

1. Words of Affirmation: You feel loved through encouragement and verbal appreciation, says Cushing.  Example: “Your partner texts ‘I’m really proud of how you handled that meeting’ out of nowhere,” adds Cushing. 
2. Quality Time: You feel loved through undivided and focused attention, explains Cushing.  Example: “Your partner puts the phone away at dinner and actually listens instead of half-watching TV,” continues Cushing. 
3. Receiving Gifts: You feel loved through “thoughtful tokens,” says Cushing. And while many people may immediately think of cost, Cushing says it’s more about “being thought of.” Example: “Your partner brings home your favorite coffee because they remembered you had a rough morning,” adds Cushing.
4. Acts of Service: You feel loved when your partner does things that help take something off your plate, explains Cushing. Example: “Your partner does the dishes without being asked after you’ve had a long day,” she continues.
5. Physical Touch: You feel loved through both sexual and non-sexual touch, says Cushing. Example: “Your partner reaches for your hand during a hard conversation,” she adds.

How to figure out your love language 

Still not sure what love language sounds most like you? Cushing and Chloë Bean, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based somatic trauma therapist, provide three helpful tips:

Get curious about your relationship complaints

If, during your last fight, you told your partner “we never do anything together,” Bean says your love language might be quality time, as resentment in relationships is often a warning sign of a need being unmet.   

Think about what helps your body relax

“After time with your partner ask: What moment made you feel more settled and at ease in your body?” says Bean. Your body can help you recognize what helps you feel safe and connected before you realize it mentally, so ask yourself if you’re breathing easier when your partner gives you a gift or provides an act of service, suggests Bean. 

Take the quiz 

“Gary Chapman’s own quiz at 5lovelanguages.com is the original, built directly from his framework, and the one I point clients to over the dozens of knockoff versions floating around,” says Cushing. “When answering, respond based on what genuinely makes you feel loved in the moment, not what you think sounds good or what you assume your partner would pick.”

Can you have more than one love language?

If you’re realizing the love language you thought you had doesn’t quite sound like what you need now, know your love language can change. “As we grow through new experiences, responsibilities or relationships, our emotional needs may shift,” adds Suzanne Koch Eckenrode, LMFT, BACC, therapist at Carlsbad Beach Recovery. 

And if more than one sounds like you, that’s not a coincidence. “Most people have a primary language and a close second, not five equal needs,” says Cushing. “It’s a hierarchy, not a single switch. It’s completely normal to have two that feel almost tied.”

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How to talk to your partner about your love language 

So you know what love languages are, you know your own and perhaps you now realize your partner hasn’t been showing you love quite the way you need it. So what do you do? Talk to them! Cushing gives some tips to get the conversation started:

Be specific with what you need

“Instead of ‘I wish you were more affectionate,’ try ‘It means a lot to me when you hold my hand in public’ or ‘Can we do 20 minutes phone-free tonight, just us?’” explains Cushing.

Try the ‘when you do X, I feel Y’ structure

Say “‘when you text me during the day just to check in, I feel like I’m on your mind,’” says Cushing. This communication structure tells your partner exactly what to do or say in a clear way rather than as a criticism, she adds. 

Reinforce their win in real time

“When your partner gets it right, say so immediately: ‘That meant a lot, thank you,’” adds Cushing. Positive feedback that occurs in the moment will help teach your partner how to love you with your love language faster than a conversation that happens later, says Cushing. 

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And if a date night spent talking about your quiz results, as Cushing suggests, ends with you realizing you and your partner have completely different love languages, know that’s okay. “What matters is whether both partners are willing to learn and speak the other’s language, not whether they match,” says Cushing. 

The bottom line on love languages 

Ultimately, maintaining a healthy relationship doesn’t just require the feeling of love, but also the actions behind it. So if you’re realizing the way your partner shows you love isn’t quite how you prefer to receive it, or vice versa, give one of our expert-approved tips a try to make a change for the better.

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