How to Get Along With Family This Holiday: Experts Reveal Simple Ways to Smooth Ruffled Feathers

Ahh… it’s the most wonderful time of year. And the most complicated. Especially for those of us navigating challenging dynamics with loved ones or who have a difficult family history. (In other words, most of us.) But strained relationships don’t need to ruin the holidays. Here are six expert-recommended ways to defuse family drama, foster deeper connections and enjoy your time together this season.

Look to the future by looking to the past

Before the get-together, imagine the best outcome, urges communication expert Patti Wood, author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language & Charisma. “Jot it down to make it concrete, like, I sat down with X and we really connected,” she says. And if you’re gearing up to see someone with whom you have a strained relationship, let sense memory soothe your stress. “For example, I’ve been listening to the music my sister and I enjoyed as kids when we were closer, to reinforce that positive association and make it easier to talk to her now that there’s some distance between us.”

Be kind to yourself

More than 40 percent of Americans have experienced a family rift, says therapist Alison McKleroy, LMFT, author of Essential Strategies for Social Anxiety. “Start with self-compassion by reminding yourself  that you’re not alone,” she says. Then create a plan to protect yourself if things get heated, by, say, excusing yourself to call a friend. “Only after you show yourself empathy can you focus on others.”

Let yourself be vulnerable

Oftentimes we’re not even sure what happened to create the rift in the first place, says Wood. “You might say, ‘I’m feeling tension between us, and I’d like to get to the other side of it. Is this something we can talk about?’ Once you express yourself, the hurt will finally be able to leave your body.”

Say ‘best’ & ‘next’

“I recently got together with 14 relatives I hadn’t seen in a year, and simply asking them questions like,  ‘What’s the best thing that’s happened to you since last we talked?’ And, ‘What are you looking forward to next?’ allowed us to get past the walls we built up,” Wood says. A funny thing happens when you do this, she adds. “People associate you with the good things in their life; I’ve found they call me more to tell me about their next adventure.”

It’s okay if you’re not ready

For all our talk about talking, it’s just as important to open up about not being ready to open up. “You might call ahead of the gathering and say, ‘I’m not really ready to talk about X, but it’ll be nice to see you,’” says psychologist Joshua Coleman, PhD, author of Rules of Engagement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict. Being clear about your expectations calms anxiety for both parties. And if you’re facing someone else’s boundaries? “I hear a lot from adult children that they feel pressured by their parents to reconcile. In this case, you as the parent might take the lead and say, ‘I know we’re going to be seeing each other, and I just wanted to let you know I’m not going to push.’” This lays the groundwork for moving forward. The holidays may not be the best time to heal all wounds, but they are a great time to start fresh.

Pinpoint boundaries

“You’re such a jerk!” We may fantasize about yelling that at a difficult family member, but a better strategy is to head off conflict before it starts, says psychologist Nadine Kaslow, PhD. “You can say, ‘I really care about you, but I also care about myself; I need X this holiday.’” She adds that you might also agree to have “safe zones,” like the kitchen table or living room, free of fraught topics.

Make small shifts

It’s (almost) a scientific fact: As soon as we get together with siblings, we replay past dramas. To break this pattern, Kaslow suggests making small changes. “That could be taking a few breaks during dinner or bringing a friend for support.” And if you’d like to move on from a disagreement, she suggests saying, “We have different versions of what happened. Are we at a place where we can agree to disagree and start fresh?”

Tap your superpower

Simply showing your natural curiosity will help you de-escalate tensions, says organizational psychologist Sunita Sah, MD, PhD,  author of Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes. If something contentious comes up, she advises asking questions like, “Can you tell me why you feel that way?” Or, “What led you to think this way about X?” Typically, when we encourage people to think more deeply about their beliefs and values, they let down their guard and become more amenable to different points of view.

Create a self-care plan

What are you going to do for yourself after the get-together? The answer is key to boosting your resilience, says mental health therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. “Whether you look forward to going to the spa or just gathering with your friends to debrief about everyone’s Thanksgiving, it’s important to do something restorative for yourself, especially if you’ve had a boundary-challenging day.”

Take comfort in a pause

“I always talk about the power of the pause to help you relax and stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system,” says Dr. Sah. When you feel your stress levels surge, she advises “box breathing”: inhaling deeply through your nose for four counts; holding for four; exhaling for four through your mouth; then holding for another four counts before repeating the cycle. “This is a great way to de-stress and help you regain a sense of control.”

Let yourself have fun

The ultimate distraction this holiday may be the oldest one in the book… fun! “You might just tell family members that instead of talking politics, you’re bringing a game of table topics or board games to play together,” suggests Tawwab. In the end, she says simply “meeting people where they are, and showing yourself and others grace,” may be the best way to sidestep tensions and celebrate the holiday on your terms.