Jennifer Wallace Shares What Happens When the Role That Defined You Disappears
When life shifts, your sense of purpose can too—here’s how to rebuild it
Key Takeaways
- Losing a defining role can shake identity and leave you feeling unmoored
- Jennifer Wallace says “mattering” is key to rebuilding purpose after change
- Role models and shared stories can help guide you through major transitions
Have you ever gone through a major life change and felt like you lost a piece of who you are? Whether it’s divorce, an empty nest, retirement or a cross-country move, these transitions have a way of quietly shaking the foundation of our identity. Jennifer Wallace, an author and journalist who studies the psychology of mattering, offers a powerful perspective on why these moments hit so hard—and what you can do to reclaim your sense of purpose.
Jennifer wallace explains why life transitions shake our identity
At the heart of so many struggles during life changes is something Wallace calls “mattering”—the deep human need to feel needed and valued. We build our lives around specific roles: parent, spouse, professional, caregiver, neighbor. Those roles give us purpose and tell us we belong. But when life shifts, the context where we once felt essential can disappear almost overnight.
“We matter to a certain person in a certain context, we’re adding value in a specific way. And when those transitions happen, divorce, empty, nesting, retiring, those roles can fall away,” Wallace said. “But we have agency to make ourselves matter again.”
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Whether it’s children leaving for college, a career ending after decades or a move that severs longtime friendships, the experience can be truly disorienting. The roles where you once felt indispensable shift or vanish—and with them, so can your sense of purpose.
Jennifer Wallace’s reassurance: You’re not alone in feeling unmoored
One of the most comforting truths Wallace shares is deceptively simple: these feelings are universal. Experts generally note that life transitions rank among the most stressful experiences a person can face. Moving, divorce, job loss and retirement consistently appear on lists of major life stressors. Yet despite how common these experiences are, many people navigate them in silence, believing they should be able to handle the shift on their own.
Wallace pushes back against that isolation. She emphasizes that the first step toward reclaiming your sense of mattering is acknowledging the difficulty of the moment—and recognizing that countless others have walked this same path.
“So the first step really is recognizing that you’re not alone, that these transitions happen to all of us, and that they are, by their very nature, painful and hard,” Wallace said.
That acknowledgment isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s the starting point of rebuilding.
Jennifer Wallace’s practical advice: Find a role model
Wallace doesn’t stop at emotional validation—she offers a practical roadmap for anyone feeling unmoored by change. Her advice? Seek out role models who’ve been where you are.
“So look for role models. Find people in your life that have gone through something similar. Take them out for coffee. Reach out to them. They will offer you a kind of blueprint for how you might go through that transition,” Wallace said.
The idea is straightforward but powerful. Someone who has already navigated a similar change—an empty nester who found new purpose, a retiree who built a meaningful second chapter, a person who rebuilt after divorce—can offer something invaluable. They can show you what the other side looks like and share the steps that helped them get there.
Jennifer Wallace on using books and podcasts as guides
Not everyone has an obvious person to turn to, and Wallace recognizes that reality. Maybe you’ve recently moved to a new city. Maybe the people closest to you haven’t experienced the same kind of transition. That doesn’t mean you’re out of options.
“If you don’t have someone in your life who’s been through it, listen to a podcast, read an article, read a non fiction book, even a fiction book of someone who’s gone through something similar,” Wallace said. “Find those details, get those ideas to start building your own blueprint to help you through that transition.”
Books, podcasts, articles and even fictional stories can serve as guides. They offer frameworks, language and emotional mirrors that help us make sense of our own experience. The goal is to gather ideas and details that allow you to construct your own personal blueprint for moving forward.
Jennifer Wallace’s message of hope for every woman facing change
Life changes happen to everyone. Some are planned and some are not. But in every case, the loss of a familiar role can trigger real grief—even when the change itself is positive. An empty nest means your child is thriving. Retirement means years of hard work have paid off. A move might mean a fresh start. Yet the emotional weight of those shifts is real and deserves attention.
Wallace’s core message is one of agency and hope. You are not defined solely by the roles you’ve held. When one chapter closes, you have the power to write the next—by connecting with others, seeking out stories of resilience and building a new understanding of where and how you matter.
The feeling of being lost after a transition isn’t a permanent state. It’s a passage. And there are people, stories and resources that can light the way through it.
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