Caregiver Resentment Is Real: Experts Share Tips to Cope With Difficult Emotions and Find Relief
Plus the simple ‘kinkeeping’ strategy that will help melt stress
Caregivers feel a wide range of emotions, from love to guilt to… anger. And while we may not often talk about that last one, it’s completely normal. Whether you have a tense relationship with a sibling who isn’t pulling their weight to help you with your parents, or you’re looking after a relative with whom you share a difficult history, caregiving resentment can fester until you feel like exploding. That is, if you had the energy to explode. Here, experts who’ve been where you are share empowering ways to navigate complex emotions, manage tense family dynamics and transform anger into genuine relief.
Allow ambivalence
Society places a high value on women self-sacrificing with a smile, says caregiving expert Kate Washington, author of Already Toast: Caregiving and Burnout in America. “It’s natural, especially for people who didn’t choose this role, to have mixed emotions. You may think, I love this person, but it wasn’t my choice for this to take over my life. Accept that you’re feeling a stew of emotions—and that you don’t always have to be positive.”
Help them help you
When someone capable of participating in their own care won’t, it’s normal to feel resentful. “You may be responsible for a relative with diabetes who won’t check their blood sugar, for example,” says caregiving expert Pamela D. Wilson, author of The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Changes. “They may simply need more education on their condition, but if they’re still stubborn, you might say, ‘I’m willing to do A and B to help, but if you won’t do C and D, I’m going to have to step back a bit.’” She admits this is hard to do, but resisting the urge to “rescue” them is ultimately best for both of you.
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Recruit ‘kinkeepers’
“If you’re taking on a disproportionate amount of responsibilities compared to your siblings, consider telling them, ‘I’m overwhelmed, and if something doesn’t change, I’m worried I’m not going to be able to give Mom the care she needs.’ And come up with tasks you can ask them to do,” says Washington. She adds that such tasks might include kinkeeping, the often invisible labor of maintaining family ties during the caregiving journey. “You could ask a sibling to keep extended family up to date on your parents’ health or organize a visitation schedule—this is important work they may be able to take off your plate.”
Meet anger with empathy
It’s not unusual for Alzheimer’s patients to have angry outbursts. “There is a skill set for dealing with a parent with dementia,” says geriatrician Leslie Kernisan, MD, coauthor of When Your Aging Parent Needs Help. “We always say ‘empathy not explanation,’ so rather than attempt to reason with them, try to join them in their reality. So if they’re upset an item was ‘stolen,’ instead of trying to convince them it wasn’t, validate their concern that it’s missing.”
Advocate for yourself
“There are many medical tasks put on caregivers, from IV medication administration to catheter care,” says Washington, recalling that when her now ex-husband returned from the hospital, he was blind and couldn’t walk. “Home care wasn’t covered by insurance, and I was shocked by how much was piled on me.” She urges advocating for yourself. “Don’t be afraid to tell your loved one’s doctors if you’re struggling. You can ask for more training, referrals to respite services or a patient health advocate to go to bat for you.”
Set clear boundaries
Many caregivers are responsible for a relative with whom they’ve had a difficult relationship. “It can eat at you if you don’t have boundaries,” says Washington. “Start by telling them what you will do. So instead of saying, ‘Don’t talk to me that way,’ say, ‘I will leave the room if you speak to me this way.’ It’s hard to change lifelong dynamics, and it won’t happen overnight, but with the help of people you trust, you will get there.”
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