How To Survive the Holidays With Difficult Family Members: 7 Therapist-Approved Tips

The holidays promise warmth, togetherness and joy. For many of us, they also deliver old wounds, tense silences and the kind of family dynamics that can turn a simple dinner into an emotional minefield. If you dread a difficult relative or feel the weight of an unresolved rift, you don’t have to let the drama define your season.

More than 40 percent of Americans have experienced a family rift, says therapist Alison McKleroy, LMFT, author of Essential Strategies for Social Anxiety. “Start with self-compassion by reminding yourself that you’re not alone,” she says. “Only after you show yourself empathy can you focus on others.” Build in a plan to protect yourself if tensions rise, she suggests—even something as simple as stepping outside to call a friend.

It may also help to know that family rifts, not politics, are the most common source of holiday drama, according to a JustAnswer survey of 1,169 U.S. adults. Here’s what psychologists and therapists recommend to help you get through the gathering with your peace intact.

How to handle difficult relationships during the holidays

To enjoy the season without letting family conflict steal your joy, try these smart tips.

Picture the best outcome before you walk in

Before any get-together, imagine how you’d love it to go, says communication expert Patti Wood, author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language & Charisma. “Jot it down to make it concrete, like, ‘I sat down with X and we really connected.’” If you’re bracing to see someone you’ve grown distant from, let “sense memory” help. “I’ve been listening to the music my sister and I enjoyed as kids when we were closer, to reinforce that positive association and make it easier to talk to her now that there’s some distance between us,” Wood says.

Ask two small questions that open big doors

When Wood recently reunited with 14 relatives she hadn’t seen in a year, two questions did the heavy lifting: “What’s the best thing that’s happened to you since last we talked?” and “What are you looking forward to next?” “Simply asking them questions… allowed us to get past the walls we built up,” she says. People begin to associate you with the good things in their lives.

It’s okay to say you’re not ready

If you’re dealing with a family conflict, you don’t have to arrive prepared to hash everything out. “You might call ahead of the gathering and say, ‘I’m not really ready to talk about X, but it’ll be nice to see you,'” says psychologist Joshua Coleman, PhD, author of Rules of Engagement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict. For parents navigating distance with adult children, Dr. Coleman suggests taking the lead: “I know we’re going to be seeing each other, and I just wanted to let you know I’m not going to push.”

Name your boundaries—kindly

Rather than fantasize about yelling across the table, head off conflict early, says psychologist Nadine Kaslow, PhD. “You can say, ‘I really care about you, but I also care about myself; I need X this holiday.'” Designate “safe zones” like the kitchen or living room where fraught topics stay off limits. Because siblings often slip right back into childhood roles, Dr. Kaslow suggests small shifts like taking breaks during dinner or bringing a friend along for support. If an old disagreement resurfaces, try: “We have different versions of what happened. Are we at a place where we can agree to disagree and start fresh?”

Get curious instead of combative

When something contentious comes up at a holiday gathering, lean on your natural curiosity, says organizational psychologist Sunita Sah, MD, PhD, author of Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes. Ask, “Can you tell me why you feel that way?” or “What led you to think this way about X?” When people are invited to think more deeply about their beliefs, Dr. Sah says, they tend to lower their defenses.

When stress does spike, Dr. Sah recommends box breathing: Inhale through your nose for four counts, hold for four, exhale through your mouth for four, hold for four, repeat. “This is a great way to de-stress and help you regain a sense of control.”

Use ‘I’ statements

If something stings, speak from your own experience, advises Jennifer Kelman, LCSW, a mental health expert on JustAnswer. “‘I feel’ will always be heard better than ‘you are so mean to others,'” she says. Resist the urge to pull a relative aside in the heat of the moment—”it could be met with denial of the behavior, gaslighting, and aggression,” Kelman warns.

Plan your recovery after the holidays

What you do after a tough gathering matters as much as what happens during it, says mental health therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. “Whether you look forward to going to the spa or just gathering with your friends to debrief about everyone’s Thanksgiving, it’s important to do something restorative for yourself.” And when all else fails, break out the board games. “Meeting people where they are, and showing yourself and others grace,” Tawwab says, may be the best way to celebrate on your terms.

Ready for more inspiration? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for video podcasts, health tips and uplifting stories designed for women 40, 50, 60 and beyond.