Kate Bowler Says Saying ‘I’m Fine’ When You’re Not Is Blocking Your Joy — Here’s Why
The author says America's obsession with good vibes keeps us from the honesty that brings real joy
Key Takeaways
- Kate Bowler says forcing positivity and scripted phrases like 'I'm fine' blocks genuine joy.
- During her own illness Bowler pretended to be grateful to protect her loved ones from pain.
- Bowler says a little more honesty with the people closest to you is where real joy lives.
We’ve all done it. A friend asks how we’re holding up after a hard week, and before we can even think, the words slip out: “I’m fine.” Maybe we add a brave smile, a “tomorrow’s a better day,” or that old standby —”everything happens for a reason.” But author Kate Bowler believes those tidy little phrases might be costing us more than we realize. In fact, she says our cultural obsession with staying upbeat could be the very thing standing between us and real, lasting joy.
Watch Episode 11 right here! ‘What Matters with Kate Bowler: Aching, Hoping & Finding Joy Anyway’
The hidden cost of always looking on the bright side
Bowler, who says she wrote the first history of positive thinking, has spent years studying America’s love affair with optimism. What she’s discovered may surprise you: relentless cheerfulness isn’t always the gift we think it is.
Woman's World Answers
“I wrote the first history of positive thinking,” Bowler said. “So I’m deep in the weeds of like, why is it that Americans are so obsessed with good vibes? Everything has to be great, crowding everything into the positive side of the spectrum.”
When life gets hard—and at some point, it does for all of us—that pressure to stay sunny leaves precious little room for honesty. And when our real feelings don’t fit the script, we tend to push them down rather than let them breathe.
“What really worries me about what might block our joy is that if we’re not allowing the reality of our situation to be processed be shared with our friends, we might, very likely feel like we can only script ourselves into saying things I’m great. Tomorrow’s a better day. God’s always closing door and opening windows,” she said.
The little white lies we tell the people we love most
If those phrases sound familiar, you’re in good company. They’re the comforting words we reach for when a conversation gets too heavy, when we don’t know what else to say, or when we want to spare someone we love from worry. But Bowler suggests they often keep us at arm’s length from the very people who want to be close to us.
“The reason that can block our joy is because we become very rigid in terms of our social scripts,” Bowler said. “We will lie to ourselves. We will usually lie to the people who love us.”
Bowler speaks from her own experience. During a serious illness, she found herself performing a version of suffering that felt easier for everyone around her to handle.
“I’ve always mostly lied to the people who love me best, as when I was sick, I basically was pretending to be starring in a reality show about a woman who gets cancer, but she’s pretty grateful,” she said.
She’s honest about why she did it—and her reasoning will sound familiar to any woman who has ever tried to protect her family from her own pain. “I felt that this awful thing was not just a devastation to me, but that it was really painful for the people I love, and that it would be easier for all of us if I seemed like I was grateful and learning lessons.”
When gratitude starts to feel like math homework
There’s a particular kind of emotional bookkeeping that comes with hard times. We’re expected to tally up the lessons learned, the silver linings spotted, the gratitude gained—as if we have to prove we came out ahead.
“It’s almost like you have to convince people that you haven’t been robbed, but that you were given back something in all you’ve learned,” Bowler said. “And that kind of math is really, is really painful for all of us, who, at one point or another in our lives will go through something difficult.”
A diagnosis. The loss of a parent. A grown child going through something heartbreaking. A marriage that ends, or a friendship that fades. The script tells us to bounce back quickly and find the meaning in it all. But performing recovery, Bowler says, isn’t the same as actually healing.
What honesty might do for your heart
So if forced positivity isn’t the answer, what is? Bowler’s gentle suggestion: a little more honesty, especially with the people closest to you.
“I think our obsession with acting happy will ultimately be a joy blocker, because it’ll make us very confused about frankly, what’s real and what’s not,” she said.
That confusion is the quiet cost of always saying “I’m fine” when we’re not. When we cover our struggles with rehearsed optimism, we lose touch with our own feelings—and we accidentally close the door on the comfort our loved ones long to offer.
A small invitation to be real
The next time someone you trust asks how you’re doing, consider letting yourself answer truthfully. You don’t have to share everything. You don’t have to wrap it up with a lesson. You can simply say, “It’s been a hard week,” and let that be enough.
The script is familiar and easy. But honesty, even when it’s messy, is where real connection—and real joy—actually live.
What Matters With Liz airs every Wednesday on YouTube, Spotify, Amazon Music and Apple Podcasts, with highlights and behind-the-scenes clips shared on Instagram and Facebook.
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