6 Ways to Connect With Older Loved Ones You Can’t See During the Pandemic
Many of us us have been unable to see family for months because of COVID-19 concerns. If you have older loved ones in a long-term care facility or nursing home, you may be struggling with feelings of guilt and wondering how you can help them feel less alone while keeping your bonds strong. Our experts share heartfelt ways to connect during these difficult days.
Let go of guilt.
Though so much remains out of our control, we still feel guilty over not being able to visit older loved ones. āBut guilt is like quicksand,ā says Amy Goyer, AARP columnist and author of Juggling Life, Work, and Caregiving. (Buy on Amazon, $14.60) āReframe it as concern ā this lifts you up to a place of action,ā she says, recalling a woman who used to visit her husband in an assisted living facility every day until COVID-19. āShe felt grief over not being able to see him, so she worked with the facility to set up mocktail dates by the window. With a little creativity, you can still do a lot.ā
Let yourself exhale.
āSo many of us feel bad that we get to live our lives while our loved one is cooped up,ā says Goyer. āA lot of folks who would visit every day feel guilty over getting a break, but you canāt beat yourself up. Your body doesnāt know why it can rest, just that it can, so allow yourself that.ā
Discover allies.
Opening up the lines of communication with your loved oneās caretakers can dramatically relieve your stress. āJust asking when thereās a shift change can be so helpful,ā says nursing professor Tracie Harrison, Ph.D. āYou may learn itās a bad time to talk to a nurse, for example, but a great time to talk to your loved one.ā You can ask to be put in touch with a point person whoāll update you about your relative. Simply asking a few questions will give you greater peace of mind.
Share twice the support.
There are two kinds of emotional support: received and perceived, reveals psychologist Lisa Brown, Ph.D. The former is tangible, such as a care package, while the latter is social connection, like texts and phone calls. Sharing both with her 97-year-old father in a long-term care facility on the opposite coast has kept them close. āWhen he says he wishes he werenāt alone, I grieve for that,ā she admits. āBut when I send cookies and get to talk to him, thatās received and perceived support all in one, and it gives us both comfort.ā
Walk down memory lane.
A powerful antidote for loneliness is savoring memories. āI sent my dad postcards I found on Amazon of scenes from around World War II he would relate to,ā says Brown. (Buy on Amazon, $7.79) āHeād look at them and say things like, āI took your mom to that movie when we were dating.ā Nostalgia sparks gratitude. Weāre physically distanced but socially connected.ā
Let listening help.
Perhaps the most valuable thing we can do is simply listen, says Harrison. āMy 86-year-old dad isnāt happy unless heās outside,ā she says. āInstead of letting my worries get to me and put limitations on him, I have to listen to what he needs.ā Often that means reading between the lines. āThey may not openly talk about it, but a lot of older adults are losing people they grew up with, which can lead to depression sometimes misdiagnosed as Alzheimerās. Letting them share what theyāre feeling makes them feel seen and helps you both connect.ā
A version of this article originally appeared in our print magazine, Womanās World.