Stop Self-Sabotage Before It Starts: Expert Tips to Break the Patterns Holding You Back
Plus, see the simple acronym proven to help you spot hidden habits that derail your success
Who’s your worst enemy? If you’re like us, it’s often yourself. We all undermine ourselves from time to time. Here, experts share nine empowering ways to break self-sabotaging habits and find the joy, confidence and self-love you deserve.
Discover the origins
Start by looking at where self-sabotage comes from, urges neuropsychologist Judy Ho, PhD, who uses the acronym LIFE to identify these roots: L for low self-esteem; I for internalized beliefs; F for fear of the unknown; and E for an excessive need for control. Low self-esteem can drive self-sabotage, she says, “because people undermine themselves when things start going well, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Internalized beliefs—like “I’ll never amount to anything”—often begin in childhood, leaving adults prone to catastrophizing challenges. Fear of change blocks growth, and an excessive need for control, especially in relationships, can reinforce negative narratives. “Recognizing these roots is the first step to breaking the cycle.”
Consider a thought log
Tracking negative mental scripts helps us see which thoughts repeat on a self-defeating loop—and how to defuse them, notes behavioral change expert Candice Seti, PsyD, author of The Self-Sabotage Behavior Workbook. This is why she has her patients keep self-sabotage thought logs. “You start seeing patterns, like ‘I tell myself I’m not good enough when I’m around this person,’ or ‘I overeat when I feel lonely, tired or insecure.’ Such awareness helps you chip away at harmful patterns.”
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Outsmart this culprit
While it makes sense that the fear of failure often triggers self-sabotaging behaviors, like not trying at all, a sneakier roadblock is fear of success. “If someone wants to lose weight, for example, why would they be afraid of achieving that?” says Seti. “The truth is, there are many complex reasons. For many people, wanting to lose weight is almost part of their identity, so if they finally achieve that goal, there’s a ‘now what’ effect. Then there’s also the worry: ‘What if I succeed and gain all the weight back? What will people think?’ In situations like these, name your fear and ask yourself worst-case scenario is—realizing you could actually handle it is incredibly liberating.
Swap in another habit
An easy way to thwart an unwanted, self-defeating habit? Exchange it for a healthy one, suggests psychologist Wendy Wood, PhD., Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick. “It’s called a competing behavior—something that stops you from doing whatever it is that you don’t want to do. For example, if you bite your nails, try sitting on your hands instead—eventually, you’ll stop biting. Or, for harder-to-break habits, like smoking, consider going for a walk when the urge strikes. Over time, you’ll retrain your brain to respond differently.”
Stop beating yourself up
Moments where we hold ourselves back by procrastinating, doubting ourselves, or believing that we’re not capable happen to all of us. “The tendency to lose confidence, stop yourself from taking risks, or let fear prevent you from making changes is your brain’s way of keeping you safe,” says Amy Johnson, PhD, author of Just a Thought: A No-Willpower Approach to Overcome Self-Doubt and Make Peace with Your Mind. “The key is to realize these are just thoughts, they’re not facts—and we can overcome them.”
Forgive setbacks
As soon as we suffer a setback, it’s easy to engage in negative self-talk, which may lead to self-sabotage. To resist this downward spiral, Ho suggests telling yourself, “Yes…but,” as in, “Yes, I ate five cupcakes, but eating healthier is a process, and I’ll have veggies tomorrow.” This tamps down more defeatist thoughts like, “I’ll never stick to my diet.” Ho adds, “Adopting a balanced thought process helps you find more success.”
Outsmart shame
Even after we’ve identified the thoughts holding us back, we often still harbor shame over not reaching goals. We tend to hide shame, but Ho urges us to bring it to the light. “Instead of keeping it to yourself, call someone you trust and tell them about it,” she says. “Making this small shift releases the negativity, builds your confidence, and inspires you to try again.”
Feel joy in (a bit of) discomfort
A proven way to transform self-sabotage into self-efficacy is by taking one step outside our comfort zone. “We become much less risk-averse when we challenge ourselves,” says Barbara Oakley, PhD, author of Mindshift: Break Through Obstacles to Learning and Discover Your Hidden Potential. In fact, recent research shows that people who do something that makes them a bit uncomfortable — from public speaking to taking a solo trip — are happier and more successful in the long run. “Don’t just follow your passions, grow your passions by trying new things.”
Embrace tomorrow
One of the best ways to continually thwart self-defeating behaviors is by being intentional about your values, says Ho. “Jot down things that are important to you, like ‘integrity’ and ‘adventure.’” If “community” matters to you, for example, and you don’t have time to volunteer, you may still be able to call a friend today. “Living according to your values stops the fear and doubt that is holding you back, letting you achieve your goals.”
A version of this article originally appeared in our print magazine, Woman’s World.
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